I never shop at Safeway on Saturday. It's just too over stimulating. The moment I walk in I'm distracted from my mission of buying toilet paper and soda crackers by the fragrant fresh smell of cut flowers and green plants. Dangling high above the plants are the everyday best buy 36 inch Mylar balloons, at only $1.99. Burt and Ernie and the entire cast of Sesame Street are floating gleefully above my head. Quickly, I move on past the citrus mountains of grapefruits and oranges, Beauregard yams, flowering kale, blue tie celery, and of course, bok choy. I'm feeling a little bit lightheaded.
The instant music is making my brain hum, and somehow I have landed in the candy aisle. There are bins galore and small children leaning much too far out of their shopping cart seats as they holler, "gimme candy," and "I wanna gummy." I notice the gummy bears, gummy worms, gummy fish, gummy cola bottles, and gummy dinosaurs. In fact, dinosaurs are everywhere; reincarnated as chocolate cookies, graham crackers and caramel candies. If those giant prehistoric creatures could see these modern effigies they would probably rise from the grave and roar.
As I shuffle along in a state of oblivion, I come face to face with the sports drinks; liquids in synthetic colors of chartreuse, turquoise, neon orange, and bright purple. I imagine these colors dripping down my esophagus and I begin to feel ill. I'm feeling queasy now, as I stumble past a Campbell soup display that would have made Andy Warhol proud. Finally, I grab those soda crackers out from under the spaghetti o's and Rice-a-Roni, and desperately seek the checkout.
Ah, the checkout line, where I have tabloids and magazines galore to read while I'm waiting. Do I want to look at the contents of "Hillary's Secret Diary" or all about the NASA telescope that picks up mysterious transmissions from God? A popular women's magazine tells me I can activate my weight loss hormone or find twenty fresh as spring decorating ideas. There is some "Sin Sational Sex Advice" as well as the "Sexiest Gowns for Your Body to Drive Him Wild." Food and diets and sex. All the usual topics. And in the midst of these articles and an abundance of groceries, I find a sad irony in this week's People Magazine cover: "Special Report: Eating Disorders on Campus." A tall man with an ugly nose ring fidgets nervously in front of me. In front of him is a yuppie couple with a lot more than fifteen items in their shopping cart. They must not have noticed the giant sign that shouts "15 items or less," hanging above. Maybe they did notice and they don't really care. I debate with myself about whether or not I should politely point this out to them, and decide that they have really bad energy and I don't even want to go there.
As I hand my money and Safeway Club card to the cheerful cashier, I can't help looking at the pamphlet for an online grocer. "We know you have better things to do with your time," its headline blurts. Oh yeah, and miss all this fun? Not a chance.
