So, in the interest of full disclosure, I have a confession to make.
(Deep breath. Long exhale. Sweaty palms. Bowed head.)
I am a murderer.
A cold-blooded, indiscriminate killer.
I can’t help it. Something comes over me, and it’s like I can’t stop myself. I don’t even know what I’m doing. In fact, in the moment, I actually think that I’m doing something good.
I make myself sick.
I am a killer ... of plants.
Basil plants, in particular.
I murder* basil plants. For fun. Pretending like I know how to take care of them, but really, I’m a deranged psychopath who, instead of loving and nurturing these tender, peppery, lemony green plants ... I kill them. All of them. MWAHAHA!
It is more than tremendously embarrassing that my “organic food eating, farmer’s market patronizing, zipcar driving, natural birthing, homemade baby food pureeing, cloth-diapering, long-term-nursing, making-things-harder-than-they-have-to-be-for-the-sake-of-the-environment” self cannot seem to keep a simple basil plant alive for more than a few days.
Here’s the routine:
I go to Publix (because I just can’t do the unpasteurized cow’s milk that the Farmer’s Market sells—I’m pretty crunchy, but this is one step too far for me.). I purchase said milk and Tropicana orange juice that isn’t $5/quart. While walking through the veggies, I stumble upon simple, healthy, fragrant basil plants. The instructions insinuate how simple it would be to maintain said plants. The cost is reasonable. I put the innocent basil plant in my shopping cart delicately, next to the eggs. (’Cause, well, we need eggs, and I only go to the Farmer’s Market on Fridays. Man, you’re pushy. Stop pestering me!) My hopes are high. There will be homemade pesto in our future. Yes, there will be!
I arrive home, enjoy the help of tiny hands and strong muscles carrying in my plunder. I take the liberty of personally carrying my new plant into the kitchen.
“Another victim?” Matt jokes.
“HA! You’re funny. Just watch—see how healthy this one is?! See how tender and green and fragrant?! This one’s a survivor. Just you wait.”
