I began practicing with the local Roller Derby team and after two hard and fun-filled weeks, the habitual quitter in me is trying to strike again. I find myself setting qualifier—if the coach says, “You have real potential,” then I’ll stay; if nothing about me is said, then I’m not meant for the sport. In order to understand my desperate (albeit illogical and ridiculous) need to be affirmed, I Goggled ‘Perfectionist’. This DiscoveryHealth quiz statements hit home:
If I make a mistake, others will think I’m incapable.
I believe that if I do things badly, others will reject me.
I always find something that bothers me (even when nothing is wrong)
I would rather work hard and do things myself than delegate.
And most striking,
Being average is a terrible thought for me.
According the results of the quiz, I’m 75 percent Perfectionist, and some of perfectionist tendencies may be making me unnecessarily happy. I have to agree. I’m about to commit to skating and I’m on the cusp of purchasing $300 derby skates. Yet I find myself pondering quitting. Truth is I don’t want to quit, but I’m afraid I have too, before … da da da DOOM, and the realization that I’m not the best.
The sad truth is that I’ve successfully quit everything since I was a child, beginning with swim team at eight, gymnastics team at thirteen, and every art commitment between here and there. Even though I am frequently told by friends how talented I am, I’m still not convinced. I’m probably the best quitter around.
Instead of quitting I am committing to one year, and as an added bonus, I’ll journal the experience. Two projects simultaneously. Working my way through my own worst enemy, myself. It begins...
ROLLER DERBY
A manic of a sport that envolves speed, tact, and harsh contact. For some strange reason two of the people I know believe that roller derby is a lesbian sport, like girls who like contact sports are automatically lesbians. Derby is not a lesbian’s sport. The best and scariest girls on the team are die-hard athletes. The team I’ve joined is one of the best in the nation and many skaters were either speed skated throughout childhood away or played hockey (on skates). Their ages are between eighteen and forty-five. And, as spry as I am, light and thin—to these girls I’m a easy shove out of bounds. In order for me to succeed in roller derby, I will have to increase my muscle strength and learn to speed skate. It is definitely discouraging being “fresh meat” (what newbies are referred to).
It’s hard to keep up, and my smallness makes it hard to knock others down. I will likely train as a Jammer, because my ass is too narrow. The Jammers are the red cape of a matador to the bull, they literally jam their way through to score points. The skilled skaters practically leap over other skaters’ feet and clear two blockers by squeezing, leaping through, and hauling ass. Blockers will do their best to keep the Jammer from scoring a point. They do this by slowing the Jammer down, getting in her way, and they do this with their behinds and their shoulders. Jammers skate fast and blockers prevent them from getting through the pack with muscle, stamina, and strict determination. Now here is where is gets complex for me—I’m a bit weary of those competitive types who love to knock the skinny bitch down.
Let me set the first Derby article about my upcoming year with this tidbit: I am a terrible blocker. My ass is too small, I don’t skate fast enough to keep in the pack and when I attempt to block using my shoulder (the ass block is currently pointless) I generally trip myself. Hence - I think I’m not good enough and I am contemplated quitting. Plus the coach hasn’t pulled me aside and told me about my great potential. Right? This is when everyone should tell me that practice makes perfect and try, try again.
Look for more to come....
