I recently went on a twelve-day business trip to Europe with two colleagues. One said to me as we got on the plane, “I’m watching my weight. Will you help me eat right by reminding me to eat salads and chicken?” One night we’d been working late and were sitting around waiting for others to go out to dinner. My dieting friend arrived with several bags of chips for the group. As he tore into one, I privately reminded him of his request. “I completely forgot,” he replied. “Thanks for reminding me.”
Asking others to support your new behavior can be tricky. The last thing you need is to have someone nag at you. “You promised me you’d never smoke again!” I used to cry hysterically at my now ex every time I caught him with a cigarette. It was highly ineffective. He started doing it behind my back; I was always suspicious. That is one of the potential pitfalls of enlisting help—you could start to sneak around. Or get resentful and the change backfires.
Here are a few tips to avoid destructive dynamics when asking others to help you:
- You must be the one who makes the request for support.
- Pick someone without a vested interest—I was not the wife of the dieter who asked for a reminder. He may have bristled more at her than me.
- You must be explicit about what kind of help you’d like. It’s probably not a lecture. Something simple like: Did you write your ten pages today? Or it could be a code between the two of you, like the words yellow submarine to help you from mindlessly eating the donut in front of you.
- The other person must deliver the reminder and then back off—follow-through is up to you.
- If people’s reminders cause too much tension, rely on more impersonal technologies—notes, scheduling it in your day planner, screen savers, emails you set up to be sent automatically to yourself.
