Since starting White Girl with a Fat Ass last year, I have:
- Raised $1920 for Feeding America (formerly America’s Second Harvest)
- Lost 28 pounds and placed third in the Peoples Improv Theater’s Former Phat Fcuk live weight loss show/competition.
- Produced my first live WGWaFA event—The Bake Off! A comedy benefit being held at The Peoples Improv Theater this weekend in NYC. All proceeds to go to Feeding America via my blog.
But out of all these things, there is one challenge that I have taken on lately that intimidates the holy heck out of me. Dating. Dating flares up all my insecurities, food and body issues, and makes me want to reach for the nearest glass of wine (or twelve). In honor of this, we shall now explore how the mysterious and illusory art of Phat Shui can improve your love life. Follow these steps towards a love life rich in nutrients and low in saturated fats.
Clean out your fridge. Simple. Rotten food and expired staples toxify your foodbase with decaying energy. You will then consume and absorb this energy. No one wants to date decay. It is also important to identify your foodbase’s “Methuselah.” This is your fridge’s oldest item. Most times it has been there so long you don’t even know when/how you got it. Methuselah is blocking your foodbase from accepting in new fresher tastes, and often smells, crushing the bloom of romance before it can even bud.
Make room/stock up. A foodbase that is packed to the brim with Jenga-like stacks of produce and packaged items threatening to fall out every-time you open the door signifies there is no room in your stomach, let alone your heart, for shared consumption. Likewise, a barren fridge with its pale container of almost soured Milk, and crumb-ridden half a stick of butter does not stimulate the gastric juices. A dry mouth is not a kissable mouth.
Avoid diet foods. While it is important to eat healthy, diet foods create a negative punishing energy that does not belong in your foodbase. This is workout food, tasteless food, functional food that you never look upon favorably. Move these items to the glove box of your car, desk drawer, or office fridge.
Learn new tricks. Do you always make your signature dish early on in a relationship to impress your new lover? How’s that working out for you? Master some new recipes so that you don’t taint new lips with relationship leftovers.
Visualize. Get rid of any negative labels in your foodbase—this includes both the fridge, cupboards, or pantry. Pick products that utilize vivid colors. Avoid ugly or funny looking people on labels. Misery doesn’t need company. Don’t buy anything that features the number “one” in its name or on the packaging. Single serving foods are for single people.
Dinner for two. Stop using singular utensils. You can eat with a knife and fork, but you don’t really have to. Utilize paired eating tools, chopsticks for instance, instead. You can’t eat with just one chopstick; they must work together as a unit. This can also apply to food storage devices. If you have any Tupperware in your house without a lid, toss it. I can not stress this enough; lidless Tupperware produces uncoupled energy.
Get your romance on. Put your most treasured food item in a featured area your foodbase—brownies, ice cream, a fine cheese, succulent cut of meat—so that the desire to devour this treasure is palpable to you before you even open the refrigerator door. This will foster a passionate want for this forebode treasure item, which will then emanate from your very essence as you make your single way through a coupled world. If you sense yourself becoming desperate, satisfy your passion with the briefest, smallest possible lick, nibble, or taste. Just enough to ward off desperation and reignite your passion. No one wants to date desperate.
Remember, a key element of Phat Shui stems from the truth that you only think about food all the time merely because you are thinking about food all the time.
