I think when you go on a diet you just don’t breathe the same. It’s like you hold your breath until you “cheat” and when you go “off” you let all the air out that you held in since you started the diet!!
Trust me, I totally understand. I used to go on and off diets all the time. I’ve been every size from 4 to 44 and then some! I spent my entire life being called “skinny,” “chubby,” “chunky,” “thick,” “heavy,” and my personal favorite, “big boned”!
Sure, when I was in high school I somewhat controlled my weight, but I was always on a diet! My friends would eat whatever they wanted, and I always watched. Then, in college when most people gained the “freshmen fifteen,” I gained the freshmen fifty, and then sixty, followed by seventy, and soon after eighty pounds! So, the yo-yo diets began. I’d gain and lose the same thirty pounds time and time again. Sometimes I’d lose thirty-five and gain fifty, or I’d gain forty and lose twenty-five. It was a vicious cycle—the dieting “wheel of frustration” I would call it!
I tried everything to manage my weight but it all ended the same—lose it quick and gain it back quicker! It was the ongoing joke! “What diet are you on now?” or, “Can you eat carbs this week?” My friends would always laugh and I would laugh with them! But, inside, no one realized my struggle. I hated going up and down in sizes. I hated worrying about my weight. Because that is what I did all of the time—worry about my weight!
I would rip up pictures if I didn’t like the way I looked, I cut labels out of my clothes so I didn’t have to see what size I was wearing. I avoided mirrors and gym locker rooms. I went into a very personal, private depression. I was mean to myself, always putting myself down. Shopping was torture—I bought men’s clothing to avoid going into “plus size” stores. Why can’t all sizes be in ALL stores? Did they have to single me out as if I wasn’t good enough to shop in a “regular” store? So I would order from the men’s J.Crew catalog to avoid my embarrassment.
I knew my health was being compromised when I had gained back the last fifty pounds I lost at least ten times. I started to feel terrible—shaking, light-headed, dizzy. Then one day, my fears were realized. I’ll never forget it. I was shopping alone in the mall right near the escalators. All of a sudden, my dizziness and shakes were worse than usual. I had to sit down. But instead of making it to a bench, my knees buckled and I went right onto the floor. Only a few moments passed (I think) but when I opened my eyes I ran right to the cookie stand about ten feet away. I ordered three chocolate chunk cookies and a carton of milk. I ate the cookies so fast and gulped down the milk. Within seconds I began to feel better. I knew it—I was having blood sugar issues. This was definitely not okay!
I didn’t want to tell anyone. I was afraid they’d blame me. But why couldn’t I just get it together? I had a great family, a wonderful circle of friends, and a great job. What was wrong with me? I sat at my desk sobbing when I realized—the only difference between me with friends, family, job, and me with myself was my attitude! I was mean to myself. I had a great attitude with everything else, except me! At that moment I knew I had a breakthrough! No more crazy diets, no more focusing only on my weight, no more bad attitude about myself. It was that simple. It finally clicked! And I literally felt a huge weight lifted. My life changed.
