I recently started smoking again. That was a brilliant move on my part. It’s okay to congratulate me. Go ahead. I feel like a newcomer at an AA meeting admitting my dirty little secret. I used to smoke in college, back when Joe Camel was a sex symbol wearing a Speedo draped across print ads. We thought he was sexy with his swollen abs and massive humps. I have to hand it to advertisers who can make girls lust over a dusty, spitting desert mammal used for transportation purposes. I successfully kicked the habit upon growing up and entering the real world.
I didn’t start back because I was stressed out, or because of great sex, or even to lose weight. I did it to preserve the appearance of my kitchen table … because in case you didn’t know, nicotine is better for wood than Murphy’s Oil Soap or Pledge. It’s a little secret that the government is trying to keep you from finding out. Yeah, they preach cancer, emphysema, and heart disease, but they don’t tell you about the heavenly shine that cigarette ashes properly applied can bring out in your wood furniture. So, here’s how it happened, and let me tell you, I’m not proud if this. But for some things, like furniture refinishing, you have to make sacrifices and rearrange your priorities. I have this beautiful antique farm table. Don’t be jealous. I’m not bragging. It’s the only piece of furniture I own that didn’t come from Big Lots or a garage sale, or a garage sale of Big Lots furniture. Oh, I also have a couch set that came from Bargain Kuntry Furniture Liquidators. This store had twenty-seven going-out-of-business sales, before it actually WENT out of business. I guess they cried wolf one too many times and people didn’t buy it. (Pun intended) Anyway, this farm table is made from some gorgeous, exotic wood from a tree that’s probably now extinct.
My gorgeous table of such rare wood doesn’t seem to hold up to anything. You can’t set anything down on it that’s too hot, cold, wet, spicy, or made with Spam as the main ingredient. If you even breathe too hard, it’ll dull the finish.
But, the biggest problem of all was white spots. Have you ever had a white ring on a table? Yeah, they’re hard to remove. So, one day, my son Andrew came in from swimming and threw his pool towel down on the table.
