In an ideal world, talking to a partner about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) would be as easy as Salt-N-Pepa make it out to be:
Let’s talk about sex, baby Let’s talk about you and me Let’s talk about all the good things And the bad things that may be Let’s talk about sex
But alas, we do not live in a Salt-N-Pepa world. We live in a HIV, HPV, BV, gonorrhea, herpes, and Chlamydia world, where talking about the “bad things” before sex can be seriously scary stuff.
So how do we do it? I consulted my friend, Andrew Woodruff, who has worked for the State of California’s STD Control Branch and is now a Research Associate at a non-profit that develops Internet technologies to prevent disease transmission. He gave his opinion on the when, where, how, and why of the pre-sex STI (sexually transmitted infection, see below) talk.
Q: When you haven’t slept with someone yet (or been physically intimate in some way), when’s the best time to have the talk?
Andy: If I know the person is a one night stand (or I’m hoping they are) then I would rather talk to them during the hour or minutes we’re together, but before we’re naked (after you’re naked, it’s hard to go back). On the other hand, if you really like the person and think that you are going to want to see them again, the talk is much scarier. Not because you have something to hide, but because the decision feels more like “do we trust each other?”, whereas with a hookup, the discussion feels more like, “do you have cooties?”
Q: How should one broach the subject? And how should this approach differ between a one-nighter and a committed relationship?
Andy: For me, the discussion is different for a few reasons. With a person that I really like and want to see again (or have been dating), then the discussion is approached more as a negotiation. We know we want to have sex (or have been) and we most likely want to work towards doing so without barriers. So that brings up more trust issues and starts to involve other people they might be sleeping with...and then how those relationships need to be managed or how the sex needs to be protected in order to keep us both safe.
With a one-night stand, the approach is all about not having to worry later. If a one-night stand is your plan, then you really just want to have fun and be done. If you know that the type of sex that you’re planning on having is low risk, then you may not even feel like you need to ruin the experience by having a talk at all. But that’s definitely not everyone’s operative.
Q: Is asking someone and trusting that they’re being honest enough? Or do you insist on them getting tested?
Andy: I haven’t insisted on anyone getting tested. However, I have asked people if they have been tested and when. If they can’t remember the last test time, even generally speaking, then I tend to imagine that they don’t really know their status and I take more caution. Often I’ve gotten into relationships that end up getting serious and independently we’ll both have gotten tested in the first few weeks without telling each other. It’s a nice way of being able to say to someone, “I care about you and that’s why I needed to be sure,” without sounding that cheesy.
Q: If you find out you have an STI after sleeping with someone, how should this be handled? Is there a way to notify them?
Andy: If I slept with someone and the next day they were diagnosed with syphilis or gonorrhea, I would want to know, and I would want to know fast. If you are sexually active with more than one partner, then there can be many people directly affected if you get an STI and don’t know it. The flip side, if I found out I had an STI, I would feel like it’s my duty to tell my partners. So many STIs don’t have symptoms and it’s just not worth it (or very nice) to comfort yourself by thinking that your partner will eventually figure it out. They may...but it might be awhile.
