In ancient times, the messenger bringing bad tidings to the king would be executed. After all, nobody likes to hear negative news. So, it isn’t surprising that caregivers are often viewed like the Florida TV weatherman in the middle of hurricane season. It doesn’t matter that they don’t make the weather; they just report it. They are blamed for it just the same.
If you’re a caregiver, you know the drill. Day after day, you make the hard decisions. You’re the major domo, acting unilaterally and unopposed. Like the plate spinner on the old Ed Sullivan Show, you race back and forth to the tune of Sabre Dance, keeping the wobbling plates from crashing to the floor. Then, the tragic or unexpected occurs. That’s when the questions begin. Like someone at the mercy of an IRS auditor who is asking you in detail about each of your 2003 deductions, you are suddenly on the defense and feeling guilty. The common question always begins with “why?” Why didn’t you do this, or why did you do that?
It is unfortunate, but it does happen in the best of families. And it happens for a variety of reasons—most significantly, it happens out of a sense of love. When a loved one is sick or injured, emotions run high. People tend to lash out and look for someone to blame about it. It is borne of helplessness or guilt for not doing more when it comes from the non-caregiver. It is caused by a feeling of being overworked and underappreciated as well as guilty for not doing more when it comes from the caregiver. Unless caregivers and non-caregivers take a step back and a deep breath, the family can become divided and the parent needing assistance suffers.
A case in point is a friend of mine who is estranged from her only sibling, her sister. The distain they have for each other is breathtaking. It all began with their mother’s terminal illness. Both sisters pitched in to take care of mom and dad until one of the sisters had to move out of state because her husband’s company transferred him. Even though it was unavoidable, the remaining sister felt abandoned. She became the sole caregiver through this difficult time. She couldn’t contain her resentment and bitterness toward her sister. When their mother died, things only got worse. The sisters had to be kept apart at the funeral. Now, while one sister remains as their father’s caregiver, the other sister can’t visit her father. The elderly man is dependent, and so fearful of his caregiver’s reprisal, he has cut himself off from his other child.
It never had to happen. Non caregivers can’t be blamed for situations they can’t control. Caregivers can’t be held responsible for and can’t be expected to know every consequence of every decision they make on behalf of their parents. Both caregivers and non-caregivers can do more to prevent finger pointing when tensions are high and a personal crisis hits. It all begins with full disclosure and good communication.
Side bar:
Here are some tips to keep things on an even keel.
If you’re a caregiver for your parent:
- Make sure that your siblings know the names and phone numbers of each of your parent’s doctors. Tell your siblings about all the medications your parent is taking. Whether you think they are interested or not, give your siblings a full report on every doctor visit. You can call or email them.
- If your parent wants to make changes to his or her will, make sure your siblings know and have a chance to weigh in before changes are made.
- Inform your siblings of any change in your parent’s diet, sleep pattern or emotional state —even if it does not require a doctor’s attention.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help, but don’t try to guilt your siblings to do more or play the role of martyr. It will cause resentment and they’ll be less involved in your life and their parent’s as a result.
