Several years ago, I published a book about my personal experience with an eating disorder during college. The book is based on my journal entries during this time of my life and chronicles the development of my eating disorder. As I began to recover, I realized that I had kept a journal throughout this time in my life. I had unknowingly documented my downward spiral into anorexia. So I went through my journal and took out each entry where I addressed food or weight issues and then I reflected on what was going on in my life during that time. I originally wrote the book as a way to process what I had been through, having no idea that it would actually be published. I just remember having an overwhelming feeling that I had to make sense of how and why this had happened to me and the manuscript that I produced was the result.
Making public some of the most personal parts of my life has been a challenging experience. It’s probably for the best that I didn’t realize how it would feel to share my story so publicly with others prior to the release of the book. At the time, I was so excited to hear that someone wanted to publish my book that I didn’t think about the implications of sharing so openly. I’m not sure I would have done it if I had anticipated how vulnerable it would make me feel. But although sharing my story has been hard, it has certainly been worth it.
I cannot begin to count the number of people who have told me that they’ve been impacted by my story. By sharing with them I’ve helped them to know their own stories better. There have certainly been times when I’ve wished that I hadn’t been so vulnerable, when I feel uncomfortably exposed. But every time someone comes to me and tells me that I’ve helped them, I know that it’s been worthwhile.
After I came through my eating disorder, I deeply regretted the pain that I had caused myself and others. My natural inclination was to want to turn the bad that I had experienced into good. When I write and speak, I am driven by a passion to make some good come out of what I have been through.
Unfortunately, our culture does not encourage people to be vulnerable. Instead, we create images to present to others in an attempt to attain love and acceptance. The irony is that the facades that we create actually serve to distance us from others rather than causing people to love us more. There was a time in my life when other people saw me as a highly successful Division I college athlete who excelled academically, had a great group of friends, was dating a popular guy, and had barely an ounce of fat on my body. Many people might have viewed me as someone who had it all together. I had a lot of people in my life, but because I was so busy maintaining the image that I had constructed for myself, I could not actually be real with those around me. Although I might have shattered my illusion by so openly addressing the struggles that I’ve had, my life has been forever changed for the better. Up until this time, I had built a wall around my heart that prevented people from really feeling close to me. In sharing my story, I have been able to draw close to others in a way that I never knew possible.
I didn’t even realize that the wall was there until I actually allowed myself to be vulnerable with others. That wall is gone now and I am more deeply connected to others. I now have people come to me on a regular basis to share their stories because they feel safe with me. Because of the many people who have told me that they’ve been impacted by hearing my story, I am thankful for the opportunity that I have had to share. It has been a privilege to be able to help others.
