This story begins with a young man who always seemed lost!!! This young man was my brother. He was born one cold afternoon December 1980. He was such a beautiful little boy, my mom’s only little man. He became a fun, energetic toddler, getting into everything. He changed his name over a hundred times, from Hulk, to Heman. This young man’s name is James.
When James got older, life seemed to always take the best of him. He loved people, loved going places. Life just didn't seem to love him. James was very easily influenced by others, he wanted everyone to be his friend, so he did anything they asked pretty much. When James was about 10, he was diagnosed with ADHD, and depression. He was put on meds, which he hated, because he already felt like he was different, now he knew he was different. When he became a teen he wouldn't take his meds any longer. He hated knowing that he had to take meds to control himself. So he started using street drugs. He started hanging out with those that would provide it for him, because those were the only people that truly accepted him for who he was, so he thought. When James grew older, he started going to juvey, then to jail, then to prison. He was such a young boy trapped in a young man’s body.
After James got out of prison, he was 20 years old, he had a 1 year old child and life seemed to be going his way. He lived with me had a very good job that paid him very well. But money never mattered to him. He never cared about material things. After a month or 2, James started hanging out with his old friends, and needless to say he started doing drugs again. As they say misery needs company, and James was an easy target. After 4 months of living this way, James decided it was time to stop. Stop what you ask??
October 16, 2001 James took his own life. That was the worst time in our lives. James decided that he couldn't handle being what he thought everyone thought of him as, a loser. He always wanted to do good for himself, but just never knew how. He was so young at heart and mind, but not in body. To tell you the truth he sucked his thumb up until he died 2 months shy of his 21st birthday.
Life without him has been a challenge. He is my brother, we were supposed to always have each other to lean on when we were lonely, sad, happy, for anything. But he is not here. He is watching over me and my family, something I never wanted. I have learned to understand those that suffer from depression, I will never understand how someone can get so low on themselves, simply because I have never experienced it within myself. But watching my brother’s life, and replaying it over and over I see everything so clear. He suffered his whole life, with who he was, who he wanted to be, and who he thought everyone thought he was. Life didn't deal him a very good hand.
It has been 5 years now, and it is still something that makes me so sad to think about. I miss him every day. I wish that there was a different way. But the other part of me knows that he is no longer suffering within himself. People say suicide is a selfish act, but when you are so alone in your self, consumed by the evil depression and hurting so much, there is no helping that. My brother tried to get help before he died, and the mental hospital turned him down and said he didn't qualify for the help he was begging for. They said he wasn't depressed enough. Well how depressed do you need to be??
Since I lost my brother I tried to figure out a way to educate myself with this, as well as help others. I came across a site called the AFSP (America Foundation for Suicide Prevention). Each year they arrange a place and time where thousands of people get together and they walk 20 miles through the night to bring the subject of depression and awareness from the dark to the light. Last year I participated along with my sister and my mom in San Francisco. We walked 20 miles through the hills, and the sand but we did it for our brother and son. He was not able to walk so we walked for him. This year I am walking again this time in New York City. We started at dusk on June 9th. It will be an experience since I have never been to New York, and this year my husband will be by my side.
During our journey we are asked to raise $1000. It has been a struggle, but I am not giving up. If anyone reading this wants to help out, please feel free to contact me and I can give you the web site information. All donations are tax deductible, and every dollar helps.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
