I hope this article does not act as a put off to individuals who are fighting the demon of bulimia, I agree there is hope out there for most to assist with a total recovery, but for me it seems hopeless. I despair that I will still be in this trap when I’m old and frail. I am a 45 year old mother of four grown up children, and gran to two, I have had an eating disorder which fluctuates between anorexia/bulimia since the ripe old age of 9. I recently had a course of cognitive therapy which unfortunately made no impression on this disorder.
I have to say though this therapy allowed me to understand how I came to be who I am, trapped in this so called fat ugly repulsive body, why I despise myself cannot bear to look in a mirror because I am so repulsive. My upbringing consisted of physical, mental, psychological and sexual torture. My father hated me so much, didn’t want a daughter, taunted me with screaming at me telling me I was fat, ugly had a want about me, no one would like me. Attempted to make me eat vile food, if not then I would have it reheated until I ate it. This could go on for days. He never allowed us sweets biscuits cakes etc but would let us smell them before either eating them or giving it to the dogs. I used to relish the thought of eating such things, and sometimes temptation got the better of me and I stole a bit of the sweet stuff, if he found out he would stick his fingers down my throat until I was sick, calling me a fat pig.
I learnt a new trick by the age of 9 to take the dogs through the kitchen beside me, they sat under the table and I fed them slowly so I wouldn’t get caught, how clever had I got, wasn’t the first time I had been caught giving the dogs food, and he landed up forcing it down my throat, I tried to make sure he wouldn’t catch me again. I started to lose weight way hey everyone would like when I’m slim, I got lots of attention, which made me feel good, never got attention unless it was him hitting out at me or hurling abuse. Here went the pattern of my hellish life. I could go on and on could write many a book.
Still here I am bulimic desperate looking for escape, hating myself more and more everyday can’t see a way out. Can anyone out there see hope for me, I can’t understand why my family have turned out so well and stuck by me. I so don’t deserve them do I?
