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How Did I Get Myself into This?

By: Mary (View Profile)

I don’t know why I started this I don’t know how even, it all happened so fast. I have always struggled with my weight, since I was very young. I have had many people call me fat and many other names. I just got sick of being so big. When I first started purging I was about 240, I now am 173. I have been doing this for about four months or so. I can’t remember. When I first started I had said it would only be this once and that turned into more after about the 4th week. It was every meal every day. I started to get concerned because I knew it wasn’t right so that’s when I decided to tell someone. So I chose to tell some very close friends from church. Well after that I had wished I hadn’t but its better I did in the long run. I would say I’ve been in recovery since then. It’s amazing how much control Satan can take over you thru an ED in just months. I have been as many as seven days without purging and I can’t wait tell I can go more than that. I’m working on it.

Christmas was the hardest. I went completely backwards and now I have to start over. Nobody knew about my struggle when I went home so it was so easy to just eat what ever and how ever much I wanted and then get rid of it. And the way people reacted to my new looks felt good I haven’t gotten that much positive reaction my whole life. (Not that made things better.)

I have started counseling with a lady from my church and it has made me realize a lot about how the enemy can distort things. I think I am going to tell my mom about everything because I don’t want to give the enemy any more reason to have a foothold on me. I had been telling people that low calorie intake was the reason for the weight loss when asked, although partly true, it’s a lie. I have realized that this also feeds off secrecy and so with God by my side I am going to try to tell the truth. I am scared about a lot of things. I don’t want people to look down on me or to gossip about me but I am going to believe that God is going to take care of everything. My biggest fear though is gaining weight.

First published January 2008

4 readers liked this story.

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Key terms (tags) for this article:
secret, bulimia, eating disorder, weight loss, purge, binge (view other popular tags)

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Comments

I can relate to the fear of gaining weight. We are a society that is based on looks. I have purged off and on for 25 years and I can tell u it is living hell. U know God wants us to be peaceful and free. Just think of food as a nourishment to your body. What has worked for me is Overeaters Annonymous. Look it up, you'll find others who understand and support. I'm doing it with you, Frannie:)

Hi Mary, Good on you for reaching out for help. That is such a hard step to take, and you should be so proud of yourself for doing it. It is great that you have done it at this stage of your illness, as many go through years of struggle to ashamed to admit it to anyone. Hopefully the physical consequences will be much less, as you are fighting it now. It is also great that you are going to a Christian counsellor, as God will be at the foundation of your healing process. DO be honest with your family, as they can be a great support as well, and even though it's hard, in the long term, being accountable to someone else is immensely powerful. Good on you, and keep fighting. You WILL get there.