How long is this going to go on? For the first time in my life, I’ve successfully thrown up my dinner, (and then some) for eight consecutive days. I’m taking green tea fat burning pills when I eat my breakfast and lunch. I wanted to stop sooo long ago, and now I’m getting used to it. Bad. This is very bad. I have chest pains right now. And all I ate was popcorn and a light cookies and cream bar from weight watchers. I am ruining my life day by day. Instead of looking forward to eating dinner like I usually would, I fear it in wondering how much I have to convince myself tonight that I will not throw up dinner. It scares me ... but I’m attacking myself at the same time thinking well, what happens if I CAN’T throw up? What if I eat more than what I wanted to and aren’t able to because family is around? NO! I cannot do it. I will not do it. I’m glad I’m not alone because I am forced to not be able to.
But you always do you psycho bitch! STOP it! STOP it now! Every fucking time you tell yourself no, you even say it out loud to yourself HOURS before dinner, and you still fucking do it. One of these days I’m going to pay. It’s all going to hit me all at once ... it has gone too long without enough pain. It’s almost like I NEED to get caught in order to stop, because that WILL cause me to stop. Otherwise, I can’t even convince myself!
So avid reader, I will try to convince YOU! I promise ... tomorrow, Thursday, that I will NOT throw up. I may go back and forth arguing with myself, but I will win this battle tomorrow. I promise. I will win. If I don’t ... no wait. I’m not even saying that. I will win. I will NOT throw up. Please help me. I will write of this experience the next day. I hope you have some faith in me.
