I hear the question asked frequently: how can I help my (mom, dad, brother, sister, spouse, friend) with their substance abuse problem? Watching the one you love get drunk or high on a regular basis is difficult for most. Seeing how they are hurting themselves and those around them due to their addiction can cause incredible sadness, anger, and frustration. Often the person wanting to help is left feeling hopeless and helpless, especially when attempts to help are met with resentment.
So where do you start? First, it’s important to identify why you are worried about your loved one. What exactly are you observing or hearing about from others that leads you to believe that your loved one has a problem? Once you have identified all of your concerns, list them on a piece of paper. It’s helpful to have a written list so that if you choose to intervene with your loved one, you can reflect upon the list if necessary. Most individuals who have a problem with alcohol or drugs will deny that they have a problem. Expect this denial.
People who don’t have a problem with drinking or drug use usually don’t get upset if you talk with them about their use. Conversely, people with a substance abuse problem get uncomfortable when the subject is brought up. It’s not uncommon for them to have a strong negative reaction filled with agitation and rage. Most likely, they will openly share their feelings of anger, irritation, and resentment with you. They will identify their “shock” and sometimes “utter disappointment” toward you for accusing them of being an “alcoholic” or “drug addict.”
As mentioned above, they will most likely deny that such a problem exists. If they cannot deny the amount that they use, they will likely claim they can stop whenever they want to or point out someone else who uses “way more” than them. Don’t be surprised if they try to identify that person as the one with the problem. Getting the focus off them is easier than having to look at themselves honestly. This focus can be diverted in many different ways as noted above. Be prepared for a counter attack on you or someone else close to the two of you as a way to get the attention off of them and onto that other person. This counter attack may or may not be centered around substance abuse. If your loved one has nobody to compare himself to on an addiction scale, then he may retaliate with a statement like, “Well at least I don’t overeat the way you do. You have more of a chance of killing yourself with the crap in your body than I do. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got diabetes or died of a heart attack!” As painful as these words may be, remember it’s the person’s way of defending himself because deep down, he knows he has a problem.
Knowing how your loved one may react to the confrontation of his problem helps us understand the importance of being prepared before intervening. First, making a list of examples of how your loved one’s intoxicated behavior has caused problems or put others at risk is important. The list may include direct observation or learned information from a reliable and trusted source as mentioned above. It may also include problems with the legal system (i.e. a DUI, car crash, drunk in public arrest, or bar fight arrest). Other examples may include deterioration in relationships due to intoxication (i.e. missing important dates such as a child’s birthday party, anniversary, funeral, or a feeling that the substance is the person’s main priority and the relationship comes second). Lastly, work or school may be affected by the person’s use (i.e., missing days of work/school due to hangovers, poor performance, or getting fired/suspended or expelled).
