It was 2005 when my former officemate paired me off with Jun, he was single, attractive, full of humor, witty, and full of life. At first we became friends, we hangout, mall together, and enjoy almost everything under the sun. The next thing I knew he already proposed to me telling me that he could not afford not to be with someone whose sanity is crazier than his. From then on, we jive. We became a whacky pair, we can actually make fun out of everything and the best word that could describe us is that we were such a “crazy” pair.
In the middle of our affair he lost his job, he became depressed and insecure, but as a partner, I boost his morale, I stood beside him, giving him the assurance that no matter what, I would always be on his side, for I know that’s the only thing to calm him down in the darkest days of his career.
It took about one year when he decided to take a seamanship course. He presumed then that office work wasn’t meant for him, so I supported him. With all my might and the best of my ability I tolerated his insensitivity which he reasoned out as attributed by being busy as seaman student. When I called him up he would always say to call later because he was too busy attending important matters. One time before he left, we had serious talk, we tackled how things would be going while he is away, we made time table, planned dateline, made schemes for our future, vow to be loyal, to be patient, to be understanding, above all loving.
More than a year while he is away, I never had the chance hanging out with friends; I avoided partying nor mingling with friends. My life then was idle, an option for me as he was complaining how tough his job was and I felt like it would be unfair havin fun while he almost died working. Two more months came, no texts nor calls from him. I was some kind of scare that bad thing happened to him, that a Somali kidnap their ship or lots of negativity popped up my mind. I had no access to him until finally I got a call from him. He just laughed off the idea of being kidnap putting my mind at ease. He told me to load up his roaming number so he could text whenever there is network signal or they dock off shoreline. It became habitual then that every time he had signal I see to it that hundreds of loads is being loaded up, however the problem arises when he only text twice or thrice out of (300 pesos) 20 texts, where is the remaining 18 texts?, when his load got expired that’s the only time I could hear from him. I questioned him in a nice manner but I was just being preached, accused me of being so demanding of his time, when he had nothing to do with it, that all his sacrifices is for our future. Dumbfounded I felt a little embarrassed.
His insensitivity ruled, no texts, no calls whatever yet my craziness overruled, I provoked him by telling him that an officemate is courting me, that his intention is pure, that the guy already went in the house and invited me out for a dinner. There was no truth to it. I fabricated the story in the hope that he would call and at last he texted back … annoyingly he texted these words … go ahead!
Three months came, still no texts, nor calls, maybe because he no longer asked for a load (texts) or maybe he didn’t fell like hearing from me. And I am bit affected as my paranoia, boredom multiplied. I became scare again, became negative and bothered … and fear that ours would come to an end.
One time, while I was watching TV at home, I tried ringing his roaming cell phone, much to my surprise it rang, meaning he is already here in the Philippines. I felt like I was bathed out by cold water. I began to tremble and cry. Funny, yet I found humbling myself by asking when he arrived home, and he said only last night., that’s the only word came from him. Maybe he needed a space so it took one week to finally call him up again, regardless if I looked stupid and dense; I began asking him what went wrong along the way. I knew in my mind that these relationships were close to an end. Why he acted like this, he should have confronted me if he was thinking I was at fault. He just said a simple, “Hi and how are you” when I expect him to say an endless words whatever it is. I hate myself because before I knew it I was the one making all the explaining, going out of my way to iron out stupid things between us. The outcome became positive. Everything went fine. We joke but it’s already fake, we touch but it’s cold, seemed the passion is gone, and the flames died down the natural way. I don’t know. Although, he claimed that I was the one who change, I knew in my heart that he was the one who completely change. And I am the losing end.
It has been one month since I bid goodbye. I initiated the move not because I do not love him anymore but I realized the more I love and long for him, the less person I become.
