I noticed a lump on my neck a few weeks ago. Not huge, but noticeable. When I turn my head, other people see it too. I went to the doctor for my annual physical and mammogram. (I’ve done that every year faithfully since my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003.) The doctor said that the lump was probably nothing. Most likely a cyst. All the blood work came out normal, thyroid normal, white blood cell count high, she said it was a bladder infection and prescribed some antibiotics. No big deal, I have chronic kidney problems, bladder infections are par for the course. She referred me to an ultrasound just to be sure.
Today I had the ultrasound on the lump on my neck. It’s about 1/4 of an inch wide, 1/2 an inch tall. The radiologist puts her wand right on it. She says it’s a lymph node. She starts to move the wand up and down. She says there are multiple swollen lymph nodes. She is moving the wand from my collar bone up to my jaw line. She says she will measure the three largest. I ask how many there are. She says normally when there are this many, they don’t count them. They just put “numerous.” I know this. When my sister was diagnosed, the malignant lesions on her liver were “too numerous to count.” I begin to get frightened.
She asks me to turn my head, and she moves the wand over the other side of my neck. From this angle, I can see the spaces on the screen. They look huge, but I know that objects on this screen are smaller than they appear. Still, on the screen they look to be the size of those pink rubber erasers that we used in elementary school, the kind that were tapered at each end and usually broke in half around November. She is measuring lots of them. I see her measure at least three on this side. If she measured three on the other side, and three on this side, how many are in there?
I ask her what that could mean, all those enlarged lymph nodes. She says she can’t say, she’s not the doctor. I’ll have to call my doctor. She says it’s usually nothing. Normally, enlarged lymph nodes are nothing that they worry about. She smiles and says have a nice day. I put on my necklace and leave.
In the car, I call my doctor. She is with a patient and can’t speak to me now. I should call back at 7:30. When I get home I sit down in front of the computer. I enter the symptom into Google, ‘multiple swollen lymph nodes neck.’ I find a wonderful reference detailing all of the diseases that have this symptom. By looking at symptom combinations, I am able to rule out breast cancer. That’s good. But, I am not able to rule out other scary things. Esophageal cancer. Leukemia. AIDS. Did we use a condom every time I had sex in the nineties? Probably not, but I tested negative before I got married. Am I positive that my husband was faithful? Yes. That’s not it, I tell myself. Mononucleosis. Tuberculosis. Some things are not so scary. Sinus infection, ear infection, gum disease. I just finished a round of antibiotics. I took them all until they were gone, like you’re supposed to. I don’t think it’s an infection.
I start to call friends. The first one is not helpful. Stomach cancer, he says. Brain tumor. Not supportive. The second is very informative. She does the same thing I did, finds the same Web site, sees the same things. She is sure that I am not sick. All the same, she asks me to call her the instant I hear from the doctor. Even though she is on east coast time, and it will be the middle of the night. The third is a know-it-all. She is sure that it is allergies. My allergies are weird, she says. They come on all of a sudden. They could be causing something like that. She is right. It’s probably no big deal.
