Yesterday was my last day of high school.
This year I have struggled with myself and with my friends. I don’t have friends. I don’t have close relationships. I have learned to push people away and it’s funny because no one seems to want to be close to me anyway.
I will graduate May 31 and all I can think is, my dad isn’t alive to be here to see his first child graduate. He would be so proud of me, I’m sure. His blonde, blue-eyed, disgustingly skinny daughter. He would know that I suffer. He would see me; he wouldn’t ignore me like everyone else. I bet he would even hug me. It’s been so long since anyone has hugged me.
I’m going to college in Chicago this fall and I am terrified. I’m scared that I won’t be able to follow my routine and that freaks me out. Where will I purge my dinner? Surely not in the restroom that I will have to share with twenty girls. Will anyone notice if I don’t eat my dinner? Maybe they will think I just eat small meals. Will they know that I only weigh 100 pounds? Here, no one seems to notice. How different will it be in college? Will I be able to fool everyone just like I do now or will they catch on to my tricks? What if I binge and I have no place to get rid of it. The more I think about it, the more afraid I become. My routines never change; I don’t adjust to change very well. Maybe I should just not go to college. I don’t think I can handle it. This is what anorexia and bulimia have done to me. Things that I should enjoy become one of my worst fears. The process of eating and purging have become ME. I don’t know who I am without them. I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything about me is invested in this disorder. I have no one to turn to and I don’t know how things will turn out for me. That’s my biggest fear. Not knowing. That’s why I revert to the only thing I can control: my food, my weight. Why is that so hard for people to understand? Will I be OK next fall? Will I be able to take care of myself or will I push myself over the edge?
I guess I will never know.
I only know that I will get worse before I get better. Who will be there to help me?
