I’m back ... and I’m smiling.
I just went through all my past articles. I read them all. I was absolutely amazed. I didn’t recognize some of those articles ... didn’t remember writing them, didn’t know it was me.
I’m back to my healthy weight. I’ve conquered. I’ve won. I forgot what it was like to be anorexic. The fears have left me, the weight has come back on, though the toilet bowl is still trying to be friendly with me.
This is why I have only given myself a Bronze Medal.
Lots has happened since I last wrote. I don’t even remember the date of my last article. What caused me to stop writing? I wish I knew. I do know that I was kicked out of nursing school. My ED got so bad that I failed two classes, and they had dismissed me. I cried for days. I remember walking out of my summer school class and getting a phone call from my advisor with the news. I thought that was it. The ED got the best of me, and threw it out the window. Now even my biggest accomplishment, getting in one of the top five nursing schools in the country, has gone down the drain. My life is over (so I thought).
All summer I struggled, I made phone calls, anticipating news of my readmission. Yes, I reapplied, wrote a huge essay on my ED, which wasn’t easy. I had to tell my teachers, the head dean, and the whole readmission committee that I was weak. I felt I was giving excuses for my failure. It was terrible. I was so ashamed, but I had no choice. It was my last resort. I felt that even though I hated admitting to one more person that I had an ED for so long, it was the only thing that could work for me. I was better! I was ready! I wanted to get back into school! I only had one semester left ... and if I could just make it through that, I was ready for life. I knew that I would have gotten through the most difficult time in my life, and had some downfalls ... the biggest getting dismissed from school. If I could just prove that I’m better, then I could tell myself that I am better.
August ... September... October ... nothing. No news. Contacting people numerous amounts of time ... I felt like a pain in the ass. I wasn’t getting in. Nope. I failed. I cried all the time. My ED won. Her ghost lives on, only to take more and more out of you, hoping for a way back in. “You are all I have now!” she says. “Look what I did to you! You have nothing now! Let me come back! You don’t have school, you have a job for now ... but that can go too! Please ... give me all of you time ... like I used to have. It was fun then, no?” NO. IT WASN’T. IT WAS ABSOLUTE HELL! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! :: call the school ... ask them again ::
November ... 19th, less than two months before classes officially started. My mom had enough. She called the advisor, the committee was going to meet in the afternoon she said. Don’t cry Caroline. Not on the phone. They will still think you are weak. I cried. She couldn’t even understand what I said. “Call back at 2:30 p.m. and I will let you know what they have decided.”
12:00 p.m. Going to mom’s salon.
Mom gave me a facial and a body massage. She’s an esthetician. Didn’t help. 2:00 p.m. waiting in the lobby. 2:15 p.m. Body is shaking.
2:35 p.m. Go upstairs and call.
“Hi Caroline. So the committee met and they HAVE made a decision.”
“Okay ...” Knew it was bad. Her voice was monotone, and there was no turning back. This is it, what I’ve been waiting for all summer, and now all of fall, too. All for nothing.
“And they decided to readmit you.”
Cue hysterical crying ... in a public parking lot ... on the phone, “OMG thank you so much! This is my dream!”
“No problem.” wasn’t even a big deal for her. Whatever, I didn’t care. I was shaking, crying and jumping up and down.
