Anyone who’s lost a beloved family member, significant other, or friend is all too familiar with how wrenching—and often never-ending—the grieving process feels. Often, people in mourning are so consumed by their sadness that they lose sight of how to ask for help, or what to ask for. For these individuals’ relatives and friends standing by, wanting to offer assistance but not knowing exactly what the grieving person needs most, this feeling of powerlessness, coupled with seeing their loved one suffer, can be devastating. But the last thing you should do is fade into the background just because your friend hasn’t actively solicited your aid. Instead, consider the following kind gestures.
Understanding Grief
Before you can lend a hand to a bereaved friend or family member, you’ll need to understand a little bit about the nature of grief itself. First and foremost, know that grieving is an unpredictable process, subject to extreme highs and lows, and each person grieves differently. The best thing you can do is observe your loved one’s particular way of grieving, know that it could change at any time, and accept it for what it is without questioning it—even if that person exhibits volatile behavior from time to time. In addition, allow the person in mourning to grieve as long as he or she needs to—emotional recovery from a death generally takes between eighteen and twenty-four months, but some people need even more time. Pressuring the bereaved person to “get over it” is an insensitive, unproductive approach.
What Can You Do to Help?
Learn to Listen Compassionately
When facing a grieving friend or relative, many people feel pressure to “say the right thing.” But what’s more important than talking is listening to whatever the bereaved person would like to discuss; speaking openly about the person who’s passed away is an important way for the bereaved to keep the memory of his or her loved one alive, and to acknowledge that death is a natural part of life.
If the name of the deceased comes up in conversation, don’t try to change the subject, even if the grieving person becomes agitated or starts to cry; instead, ask questions that invite your friend to explore those feelings, and make it clear that she should feel free to be sad, angry, or confused in your presence. Conversely, if your friend doesn’t seem to want to talk but doesn’t want to be alone, either, don’t force her to speak, but rather offer nonverbal support through hand holding, hugs, and loving eye contact.
You may find that the bereaved needs to rehash the details of how her loved one died over and over; this repetition is a natural part of the healing process. Even if you’ve heard the story numerous times before, you should still be prepared to listen quietly and attentively. This tactic is especially important if you’ve never lost a loved one yourself, since in that case, it’s best not to presume to know what the mourning person is feeling. On the other hand, if you have had a similar experience with loss, sharing your story might prove cathartic.
Pitch In with Daily Tasks
Even in their greatest time of need, many grieving people find it difficult to ask their friends and family members for assistance, as they don’t want to seem like a burden. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer to help with concrete, day-to-day tasks that may seem overwhelming to the bereaved at the moment. Make your overall availability known from the beginning by regularly asking, “Can I bring you anything?” or saying, “Please don’t hesitate to call me if you need something,” and then, even more important, don’t forget to follow up.
Useful ways you can lend a helping hand include:
- Make a casserole or other type of meal and drop it off at the bereaved person’s home.
