Most of us put a lot of emphasis on our relationships with family, friends, and significant others. But, did you know that the relationships you have with everyone else are based on your relationship with you? That’s right, the closer you get to other people, the more you treat them the way you treat yourself. That makes your relationship with you your primary relationship.
Growing up in less than perfect families, most of us have learned dysfunctional relating to some degree. We treat ourselves as we were treated within the family, in school, in church, and by peers. We relate to ourselves as we learned to relate to the people around us. For example, if someone in Susie’s family had frightening emotional explosions, and the whole family was afraid, then she is liable to be afraid of her own feelings today. In this way, the atmosphere of early childhood is carried forward into adult life.
The key to solving the problem lies in creating a functional system. In my thirty-plus years of counseling individuals and couples, the evidence I’ve seen has convinced me believe that healing begins within the self.
The first step is to correct internal dysfunction; to learn to deal with self directly and honestly, for each of us to face our internal truth. The human mind is very beautiful, very complex—nothing short of a miracle. Our thinking is so complex, that it is possible to have several “voices” inside, each holding different opinions simultaneously! We constantly hear a rational voice, an emotional voice, and voices of people who were influential—all holding forth. No wonder it’s easy to become confused.
Most of the clients who come to me have a virtual battle going on inside. Blaming, defending, making excuses, resisting, are all going on at once within a single person’s mind. All of these “voices,” these varying levels of thought and opinion, must be sorted out. They each need to be heard individually—so you can find out what the fight is about. Then you can act as a mediator for them, getting each “voice” to be a part of the whole, so that all your varying opinions of what must be done are resolved and working together. If your internal struggle is too intense as a result of abuse or addiction, you may need the help of a therapist or a support group to work through it.
As you do this, you’ll recognize the source of some of the “voices.” For example, “Oh yeah, that’s my mom, criticizing everything I do, never satisfied. Wow, I didn’t realize I was doing that to myself! She’s been dead ten years!” Understanding that the running commentary in your mind is not actually your mom, just your learned imitation of her, is very important.
Once you realize the source, the “voice” needs to be corrected. It’s necessary to have a self-examining voice; it will keep you growing and learning. However, the voice doesn’t need to be hostile, demanding, or relentless. It can be kind, encouraging, and supportive. For example, “I did a good job at work today. I’m getting better and better at sales. When I talk to Joe next time, though, I’m going to be a little lower key, ask him about his family, I think I overwhelmed him by coming on too strong.”
The goal is to create a functional “committee” out of the mental struggle. When this is achieved, it is then possible to feel upset about something, sympathize with the part of your mind that’s upset, and still be thinking calmly about the solution to the problem. Amazing!
Knowing how to talk to yourself about your problems is a true blessing. How often have you wished for “someone to talk to” about something? How often have you been willing to be that “someone” for another person? Just as an experiment, try getting your capacity to listen and support together with your need to be heard and supported. You’ll find out it works!
