Empathy is one of the most important elements in creating harmonious relationships, reducing stress, and enhancing emotional connection—yet it can be tricky at times. I consider myself to be quite empathetic, but notice that with certain people (especially those I don’t like or agree with, and also with myself at times) and in particular situations, my natural ability and desire to empathize can be diminished or almost non-existent.
I also notice that when I feel empathy for others and for myself, I feel a sense of peace, connection, and perspective that I like. And when there is an absence of empathy in a particular relationship, situation, or in how I’m relating to myself, I often experience stress, disconnection, and negativity. Can you relate?
What Is Empathy?
Empathy is not sympathy. When we’re sympathetic, we often pity someone else but maintain our distance (physically, mentally, and emotionally) from his or her feelings or experience. Empathy is feeling that we can truly understand, relate to, or imagine the depth of another person’s emotional state or situation. It implies feeling with a person, rather than feeling sorry for a person. And in some cases, that “person” is actually us.
Empathy is a translation of the German term einfuhlung, meaning “to feel as one with.” It implies sharing the load or “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes” in order to understand that person’s perspective.
What Stops Us from Empathizing?
There are a number of things that get in the way of our utilizing and experiencing the power of empathy. Three of the main reasons, which are all interrelated, follows.
Feeling threatened: When we feel threatened by another person or a particular situation, it’s often hard to empathize. This makes perfect sense from a survival standpoint (i.e., if someone is trying to hurt us, we want to protect ourselves, rather than have compassion or understanding for where they’re coming from). However, we often feel threatened based on our own fears, projections, and past experiences—not by what is actually happening in the moment or in a particular relationship or situation. Whether the threat is real or imagined, when we feel threatened in any way, it often shuts down our ability to experience empathy.
Being judgmental: Judgments are a part of life; we all must make lots of judgments and decisions on a daily basis (what to wear, what to eat, where to sit, what to watch/listen to/read, what to say, and on and on). Making value judgments (the relative placement of our discernment) is essential to living a healthy life. However, being judgmental is a totally different game. When we’re judgmental, we decide that we’re “right” and someone else is “wrong.” Doing this hurts others and us, and cuts us off from those around us; it doesn’t allow us to see alternative options and possibilities. We live in a culture that is obsessed with and passionate about being judgmental. And many of us, myself included, are highly trained in this destructive and damaging “art.” When we’re being judgmental about another person, group of people, or situation, we significantly diminish our capacity to be empathetic.
