She knew my secrets, my fears, my flaws, my hopes. She knew my past and my present. You might even say she knew me better than I knew myself. She wasn’t my first and likely won’t be my last, but she was the first one I let in. For almost two years, I saw her every two weeks, sometimes more, sometimes less; but a move to a new city meant the relationship would have to change, and I knew I would have to break things off with my therapist.
It was a bittersweet good-bye. Yes, it was a professional relationship: I had paid her to care. But she had helped me at a time when I needed help, and my gratitude—and genuine affinity—made it harder than I thought it would be to terminate my sessions. “Termination” is the term therapists use when speaking of the end of a relationship between clinician and client. While it sounds severe, it doesn’t have to be a crisis, and usually, if the therapist is truly professional, it isn’t. It’s an opportunity.
As with any intimate relationship, sometimes things just don’t work out. Other times, things change and people grow, and occasionally there comes a time when the best thing is to move on. “Fairly often,” says clinical psychologist Elaine Ducharme, “patient and therapist seem to mutually arrive at a time for termination.” If that’s not the case, she adds, “It is not your job to take care of your therapist. You have hired this person, and the decision is ultimately yours to make.”
Whether it’s a positive or a negative thing (or a little bit of both), here are some signs you should consider leaving your therapist:
1. Your therapist is rude or unprofessional.
A therapist should never judge or belittle you. If she is regularly late or falling asleep during sessions (believe it or not, it happens), you should walk. A therapist should give you her undivided attention; that means she should ignore the phone and other distractions, appear interested, limit her note-taking, and (unless specifically not part of the style of therapy) make eye contact.
2. Your therapist crosses physical or sexual boundaries.
There is no excuse for this. For many reasons, it is inappropriate and even harmful. Get out immediately.
3. You feel you are not making progress toward your goals.
Hopefully you and your therapist outlined goals at the beginning of treatment and are periodically checking in on those. If you feel your goals are not being met, it is important to bring it up in session. It could be a misunderstanding or a lack of understanding of the process and the time it takes. Or the goals could have shifted, or new goals could have presented themselves.
4. You feel you have met your goals.
If your life and relationships are going well, and you find yourself searching for things to talk about in sessions, moving to philosophical discussion without an emotional connection, or just chitchatting, you may be spinning your wheels. Can you predict what your therapist will say? A conscientious therapist will recognize this as a sign you might be ready to “graduate.” Therapy is about challenging yourself; if you’re too comfortable, you might be done.
5. You feel you just don’t mesh.
It’s not realistic to think everyone can connect with every therapist. Styles and personalities differ on the couch as much as they do off the couch. Perhaps you don’t see eye to eye on big life issues. However, if you’re on your third or fourth shrink, perhaps you need to consider that the issue is not with the therapist. Are you using your relationship with him as an excuse to avoid tough issues?
6. You’re going broke.
Many therapists don’t take health insurance, and therapy is not exactly cheap. You may start with one therapist and realize you just can’t afford it. Your therapist should understand and be willing to work with you on a payment plan or willing to give you a referral to another professional in your healthcare network or to someone who works on a sliding scale.
