Dr. Romance writes:
Many of my clients come in with complaints about personal habits that feel toxic in their lives. Just as you can detox your body when you’re feeling sluggish, it’s also possible to detox your emotional life. Here are some of the most common ways your life can back up on you, and how to handle it.
Frequently late: The cure to lateness is twofold: learn to estimate time better, and get more organized, so you are not delayed by looking for last minute items. “How to Stretch Time” can help. Perhaps the most important reason to cure yourself of lateness is that it is rude to others, and costs you their good opinion. If your partner is late, stop waiting! Set a reasonable grace period (e.g. fifteen minutes) and then leave; leaving a note about how to meet you wherever you’re going. That way, you are not forced to operate on the other person’s time schedule. You’ll be surprised at how quickly he or she will learn to be on time.
Often angry or irritated: Being easily angered or irritated is a great way to punish yourself. It raises your blood pressure, and tends to create unnecessary problems with others. Anger interferes with clear thinking, and being irritable makes it unpleasant and difficult for others to work or socialize with you. To reform this habit, you must develop more emotional maturity. Understand that your anger is not seen as power by others, but as childishness and petulance. It will lose you far more than you will gain. Learn to slow down, and reduce your overly high expectations. Allow others to be themselves, and don’t expect them to march to your drum. Counting to ten works wonders, as does taking three deep breaths when you are upset.
A discipline like yoga, meditation, tai chi, or another calming pursuit will teach you patience. Strenuous physical activity is a great way to burn off excess anger. If none of these work, see a therapist or join an anger management group. You can read “Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane” for help with anger management.
Unsure of ability to do something: Insecurity and feelings of incompetence are definitely stressful, but they may also be useful. Find out if you really are unprepared for the task ahead. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, or ask for help. It’s OK to be a beginner, even if you’re an expert in other things. If you don’t try to pretend you’re better than you are, you will get more help from others. Take it slowly, and allow yourself to learn as you go. Above all, be supportive to yourself, and don’t subject yourself to harsh internal criticism.
Overextended: Frequently becoming overextended can be a sign of grandiosity—overblown expectations of your abilities—or of trying to control everything. Reduce your expectations of your own accomplishments, and allow others to help you in their own way. In the long run, being a team player is usually more efficient than trying to do it all alone and becoming overwhelmed.
Not enough time for stress relief: This is an aspect of being overextended, and may be a sign that you always come last in your own life. Learn to schedule time for yourself to relax and to play. If you write personal time on your schedule the same way you do appointments with others, you’ll be more likely to actually do it. Join a class or group that meets regularly for a relaxing activity such as dancing, stretching or meditation, or schedule a regular massage, manicure or facial, so you’ll have a guaranteed place to relax.
Feeling unbearably tense: If your anxiety is this high, you may need therapy. Anxiety and panic attacks are among the easiest things to fix in counseling sessions. Anxiety is usually the result of non-stop negative self-talk, which keeps you anxious about everything. Try affirmations and/or prayer to counteract the running commentary in your mind. Learn to breathe deeply from your diaphragm when you feel anxious—it slows your heartbeat and calms you down. Read “Handling Anxiety Effectively” for more help with anxiety.
