I have spent years of my life angry—an angry teenager, an angry young woman, an angry wife. I knew that I made the right choice to leave my husband when he closed the door between us after dropping me off at my new temporary home. As the door closed, a huge stone dropped from my chest and sun radiated into my heart. I was no longer angry. I could not believe that my body would give me such a sign that I was doing the right thing. I was no longer feeling that constriction of anger in my chest. I felt free.
Now I check in with my body on all my relationships—with myself, with friends, and with loved ones. Do I feel the anger rising in my chest? (That’s where I feel mine—you might feel yours somewhere else). I know that something is wrong when I feel the anger coming on.
Anger rises when our needs are unmet. But who’s to “blame” for that? We tend to blame others when our needs are not met. We hold others responsible for our happiness. But our happiness really depends on us being able to meet our own needs. That does not mean we have to do everything on our own. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Having our needs met includes asking others to help and participate and be part of our lives … but we still have to ask! We have to communicate our needs to have them met.
I remember how my mother (whom I love dearly) used to get upset when the jam was missing on her bread. She would sit there and stare at it and get more and more angry. Finally she would explode into blame, asking why my dad or I did not give her the jam. She believed that we should know that she needed jam on her bread since it was bare. Even though this happened reasonably often, I simply could never understand why she didn’t simply ask us to pass the jam.
