My son Tyler was born in the middle of the night after twenty-two hours of intensive labor followed by a C-Section. Despite the physical discomfort and emotional exhaustion of labor and delivery, not once did I think of the whole process as negative. It was a time of pure excitement and joy for me. This was in stark contrast to my experience with having a colicky infant.
Tyler’s first cries were truly ones of joy as I knew he was healthy and trying to communicate his hunger and recognition of the strange new world around him. His second, third, and successive bursts of tears, however, were a little more problematic. There was no pattern to his crying bouts. They arrived in a continuous nature with an increase in their volume and intensity. I had been a parent for less than thirty-six hours and I had nothing but doubts, anxieties, and real fear. I instinctively knew that something was “wrong” with my baby because no matter what I tried, no matter what tactics I pursued, Tyler did not stop crying.
At first, I attributed his crying to my own naiveté and inexperience and sought the outside help of nurses, doctors, and lactation specialists. My husband and I attempted to gain as much knowledge and support from those around us as possible. Unfortunately, we soon came to learn that even individuals with an expertise in pediatric medicine could not answer our questions. We expanded our search for answers by eliciting suggestions from people outside the medical profession. We consulted with mental health providers, neighbors, friends, and family—anyone who might provide us with some sort of helpful information to stop the incessant crying.
After only two weeks as a parent, I came to a daunting realization: Tyler’s day would be spent screaming and crying while mine would be a spiral of utter despair in not knowing how to help him. Gone would be family outings, a career, social calendar, consecutive hours of sleep, and even the ability to eat for ten consecutive minutes. Further, the futility of finding a solution would dominate my family’s life and every decision would revolve around Tyler’s unpredictable needs.
Research confirms that all individuals, not just parents, have an unpleasant experience upon hearing an infant cry. Responses to infant cries are very distinct. Physiologically, people experience changes in heart rate and skin conductance. Emotionally, they become more anxious, irritable, and impatient. Jason and I became hypervigilent to sounds that would awaken Tyler or set him off in some way.
I remember when Tyler was ten days old and some friends were visiting us. Tyler fell asleep in my friend’s arms. As we talked in a whisper about our new experience with parenthood, Tyler squirmed and made some noise. Jason and I immediately froze. Our guests saw our bodies tense, and our faces turn white. They apparently did not notice the baby’s movements and were only alarmed by our sudden change in behavior. Jason whispered, “Nobody move.” One friend asked, “Is it an earthquake?” Jason and I laughed. It was our first realization of how traumatized we were by Tyler’s colic.
When an individual is feeling traumatized by colic, often they are in a trance-like state. In this state, they are aware of the things around them, but their reaction to these things is either hypervigilent or avoidant. Irritability, paranoia, and a cynical, self-defeating attitude may all come into play during this time of distress. Sometimes the best a parent can do to get through the emotional storm of colic is to go on with their day no matter how hard their baby cries and no matter how embarrassed, frustrated, or upset they are. Isolation is common among parents with a colicky infant. Any person who has ever cared for a newborn knows that it is hard to venture out of the house with a baby. The embarrassment of taking an inconsolable baby out in public keeps many parents isolated in their homes.
Emotions run high when dealing with a colicky infant. Knowing this, it is important for caregivers to take good care of themselves. This includes proper nutrition and proper sleep. Physical exhaustion can lead to increased emotional upset. Sleep deprivation is common for most parents with newborns. It is even more common for parents with a colicky infant. When an individual is sleep deprived, she cannot function nearly as well as when she is fully rested. For example, the person often experiences a disturbance in memory, energy level, physical health, mental abilities, emotions, and mood. The majority of adults require eight to nine hours of sleep per night for their well-being. I recommend that parents try to sleep when their baby sleeps or take naps while they have childcare.
When parents are feeling overwhelmed and faced with insecurities about their ability to parent, the thoughts that result can cause great amounts of guilt. When a parent is experiencing guilt, letters, endorsements, and constant well wishes from others do not tend to help. Instead, they tend to increase these feelings and cause the parent greater distress. Obtaining validation that your experience is different from those who do not have a colicky infant can help diminish feelings of shame and guilt.
Isolation, sleep deprivation, feelings of hopelessness, and guilt are all risk factors in the development of postpartum depression.
