My Asian-American mother-in-law complains about having to follow “rules” when she visits. She wants our baby to sleep with her instead of in his crib. She gives him foods that are choking hazards or potential allergens. She insists on holding him in her lap even though he is screaming to get away. She doesn’t let him play with his toys.
“No, I want him to look at his grandma!” Her husband, by the way, is a wallflower and workaholic who always backs her up.
Her other son and daughter-in-law have barred her from their house as all attempts at setting boundaries have ended in scenes. Before her last visit, my husband explained that we ask all our guests to follow certain rules. I even went away for a few days, hoping that it would be less stressful for all. Then she “forgot” much of what she promised, especially when I wasn’t around. While I was away, she insisted that my husband sleep next to her in bed (“I’m so lonely”).
We want our son to have a good relationship with his grandparents, to the extent possible. She’s doing a trans-Atlantic flight in a couple of months to visit us. No mention of hotel this time. We’re aware that she’s getting old and is not good at managing on her own—physically or otherwise.
I think she has a personality disorder, my husband just thinks she is passive-aggressive. Our question … do we let her stay with us again?
A Cold War
I have always believed that the very first war was not between tribes, but inside the intimacy of a cave, between a wife and her mother-in-law.
The clear rivalry between these two women, easily out freezes any Cold War. It is not an open one, but one made even more deadly for its subtlety. Most likely, your husband easily misses the words that his beloved mother offers you. Nor does he notice anything unusual about the frowns and grimaces she sends your way or the tension you can cut with a knife when she enters the room. Like any war, your relationship with your mother-in-law requires ingenuity, mental strength, and a lot of endurance. And the worst thing of all—you play it alone. You have no allies, except other spouses who have lived to tell a tale or two. In these friendships, you may find mental and emotional support, as misery loves company.
In my nine years of marriage, my mother-in-law and I have gone through many stages of our Cold War. In the beginning, she was so cruel. She made it very clear that I was not the daughter-in-law she wanted and certainly not the spouse she envisioned for her perfect son. Then, when I had my children, she of course tried to make me feel incapable and incompetent in raising them.
To my surprise, I have passed the hurdles of wife and mother with zero casualties. Does this make me the winner? I’m not sure, but I am tasting victory by enjoying my life with my husband and children.
What scares me most?? I am the mother of two boys!
L. Martin. (Madrid, Spain)
Cultural Expectations
I fully sympathize with your situation, as I too have an Asian mother-in-law. The situation you describe is only too familiar to me. I do believe that you should permit your mother-in-law to stay with you again if only for the simple reason that banning her from your home is not going to change her behavior. Since you want your son to have a relationship with her and she is your husband’s mother, a new solution must be found.
In my case, this began with an understanding that a lot of what drives my mother-in-law’s behavior has to do with her culture and expectations. In her country, mothers are revered and rarely challenged. I have worked with this as respectfully as I can and also let her know that for Westerners, this is not necessarily the approach.
