Imagine the scariest roller coaster in the world, the kind that takes you super high and then plummets at top speed two seconds later. As you climb to the top, the hair on the back of your neck stands up and your stomach ties up in knots. When you drop, your whole body fills with abject fear, and as you coast to the next climb, you fell depleted, your body in shock, yet oddly filled with anticipation for the next theme park-induced high.
In my teens and early 20s, this was exactly what dating felt like. Roller coasters are often used as a metaphor for marriage, the natural ups and downs, feeling nervous and exhilarated at the same time. For me, the daily roller coaster ride was petrifying, exhausting, and unhealthy.
I’ll be honest… my life was a revolving door of boyfriends. As much as I hate to admit it, I was one of “those girls.” We all have a girlfriend or sister like that, the one who can’t be happy without a man, preferably a new man; the girl that seems to have no self respect or personal boundaries, who will jump into a relationship with pretty much anyone who says what she wants to hear.
I was addicted to having a man in my life, to feeling special and wanted, to what I thought was love. I figured the root cause was growing up without a father, and always longing for male approval. I found out later it was far more serious than that. I fell hard and fast every time, with no thought given to the type of man I was falling for. It’s no surprise that I hooked up with some real losers that any emotionally balanced and secure woman would avoid like the plague. One ex even threatened to have me kidnapped and sold into white slavery!
Once in a relationship, if he didn’t call after a date, I was sure he hated me or I had done something horribly wrong. Obsessively I’d go over every moment of the previous evening to see if I could have done something better. Alternately, if he looked at me with longing over dinner, I would run right out the next day and start trying on wedding dresses, certain we would be together forever. My life was swinging from one extreme to another, always looking for that “high” feeling of falling in love, and always crashing in flames.
