Dear Lisa,
I’m a Type-A, driven perfectionist with a grave fear of letting things slide, which I rarely do. Once I let them go a bit, I feel like I will never catch up. Also, my perfectionism can keep me from finishing what I’ve started. Any suggestions as to how I might lighten up, enjoy my life, and still get things done? —Jennifer
Stop and Smell the Roses
Time to stop and smell the roses and not be so hard on yourself. Take it from me, a reformed Type-A who had to lose a marriage before realizing that my attitude was making those I loved sad and lonely, myself included. I used to spend all my free time at work or on airplanes. When I wasn’t working, I was stressed out about what needed to be done. My to-do list was always overflowing. I had to realize that my self worth doesn’t come from what I do, but who I am. Now, I work, but it’s not my life; it shouldn’t be yours either.—Thomas Greene, London, England
Stress Does Not Add Value
We live in triple espresso times. Multi-tasking and getting it all done are the mantras we have somehow absorbed and saying “no” on the job can have serious consequences. So how do you choose? How do you balance work, life, and feeling good about yourself? For me, it was downsizing to work for a non-profit after years in the corporate world. For you, though, it sounds like the changes need to come in a personal way first. Then you can take a new and relaxed attitude toward whatever you choose. When I finally realized that stress never adds any value to any situation, my life changed. Good luck.—Stephanie Rosen, New York City
Expert View
It’s quite common for Type-A personality types to have trouble finishing what they start. Without a cheering section, Type-A personalities may drop what they are doing in favor of the promise of total world domination, or at least a share of fame and fortune. Since being very clear on what you’d like to accomplish is key to making it happen, this can place the Type-A personality in a no-win situation. Not even more relaxed personality types like to lose, so start by asking yourself what nurtures and sustains you? If no one ever again were going to praise you, pat you on the back, offer you a raise, or a glazed donut with sprinkles on it, what would get you out of bed in the morning?
I recently received an email from a psychologist urging me to watch his YouTube video and vote for him in a competition so he could get a book deal. He closed the email with, “Of course I’m not doing this for money, just to help people.” This rang quite false to me. You can help yourself and others by getting real (thanks, Dr. Phil) about what motivates you. Once you figure this out, if it’s not getting you the results you want—i.e. enjoying your life while you pursue and accomplish your goals—you can work toward change.
Sorting out what is behind your all-or-nothing approach, the demands you are making on yourself, and why you procrastinate, may seem to be a bit of a maze at first, but here are the two most common fears (since you mentioned your “grave fear of letting things slide”) that drive Type-A Personalities. See if they resonate within you.
Type-A personalities’ biggest fear is failure. They often strain against impossible or vague goals, shifting in the wind toward where the most acclaim may be blowing. They measure their self worth against their achievements and are often left feeling empty and unable to value themselves or what they accomplish. Fear of failure is a harsh task master, draining joy from life and its many pleasures. They often feel pressed for time and that life is like a never-ending treadmill of responsibility with never enough time to get it all done. Sound familiar?
