I think as we get older resiliency is an incredibly important quality to have. I’ve noticed that older people who don’t have it seem to get brittle, and bitter. It seems to me that all the things we do not accept and resolve—the things we don’t say, the resentments that build up, the unhealthy relationships we don’t address, the boundaries we don’t set– gradually build over the years until they simply collapse on themselves, often spectacularly, in a painful way that seems to drag out forever. I’ve observed this a number of times, and it’s a terrible thing to watch.
The good news is I believe resiliency is a habit of mind that can be developed over time. The bad news is, like working out physically, you can’t suddenly get down and do 100 push-ups one day if you’ve been a couch potato for years. It takes exercising that resiliency muscle.
Some books that have helped me tremendously in this department are, first, the old stand by, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. This was popular back in the 80s but many of his points have stuck with me all these years. Another is Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. Be forewarned: this one challenges a lot of mainstream religious (but not spiritual) beliefs and in fact, pegs some of them as the source for a lot of our pain. But, it has been the single most influential set of ideas for me in developing my resiliency habit. It incorporates a lot of what we know about quantum physics and ties it in with spirituality. Another that I’ve heard wonderful things about is Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People.
I’m not sure who said this, but it seems to tie the resiliency concept up in a nice box and bow: “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”
