I’m at an interesting stage of life, both chronologically and developmentally. I have been deeply humbled by my mistakes, miscalculations, and at times, plain old-fashioned stupidity. The gift in this reflection is that I believe it is much easier for me to forgive, both myself and others.
I used to scoff at the idea that we are all doing our best. To me, it seemed, clearly some people are not doing their best. From the vantage point of my forty-one years, however, I do believe most of us are trying our darndest, and we all need forgiveness.
This doesn’t mean, of course, that we shouldn’t ask for forgiveness and make retribution when we’ve mucked up. We should. Steps eight and nine of the Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve-Step model affirm this. (Step Eight: Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all. Step Nine: Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.)
The Tao says that we get upset by others’ behavior because we think it matters. In other words, we think other people’s behavior can harm the real us (our essential self) and we become unforgiving. By not forgiving, of course, we only hurt ourselves. A Course in Miracles tells us “Nothing real can be threatened.” What is “real” is the love within all of us.
According to Marianne Williamson’s number one bestseller A Return to Love, “Forgiveness is ‘selective remembering’—a conscious decision to focus on love and let the rest go.”
For most of us, being led by our ego, we find viewing our fellow human beings as innocent, especially the ones who we feel have hurt us, as a threat to our very being. If we are not at the effect of what someone has done to us, who are we? And after all, we are in the right and we define ourselves as such. However, we might ask ourselves the question, “Do I prefer to be right or to be happy?”
Some people become confused when they are first introduced to the concept of forgiveness in the book A Course in Miracles. They become afraid that they will no longer be able to create healthy boundaries between themselves and others because now their brothers are seen as sinless. They are afraid that they will not be able to reject unkind, thoughtless, or unsavory behavior toward them. This is in fact, not at all true.
It is always okay to release someone with love. You do not have to tolerate behavior that feels inappropriate to you. In A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson describes breaking up with a boyfriend after he had not followed through with calling her when he said he would. She was concerned that if she didn’t continue her relationship with him as it was, she was not forgiving him. She finally realized that she could break up with him and continue the relationship in a different way. She writes, “I hadn’t rejected a brother. I had simply accepted myself in a whole new way. He had a win—a lesson learned and a friendship if he wanted it—and I had a win. Forgiveness hadn’t turned me into a doormat. It had taught me how to own my yes and own my no, without anger, with dignity, and with love.”
I love this song about forgiveness:
“The Heart of the Matter,” by Don Henley
I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you’d found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things
We kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn’t keep me warm
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore
There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby, life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness, baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you don’t love me anymore
May the light of forgiveness dance in your heart!