When people think about our first president, George Washington, what usually comes to mind first is that he couldn’t tell a lie. As a society, we’re indoctrinated with this tale from an early age, along with praise for “Honest Abe” Lincoln and clichés like, “Honesty is the best policy.” But the real truth is that we’re just a bunch of liars.
We tell fibs and whoppers like it’s our second job, and in terms of how many social interactions we have daily, that’s not too much of an exaggeration. Granted, most of them are considered white lies, which are supposedly innocuous and occupy an important role in socializing. But what makes such small scale deception not just routine, but necessary—and is it always harmless?
What Gives a Lie Its Color?
Lying has a negative connotation, but white lies are named thusly because they’re not meant to deceive or hurt someone else. Rather, they’re most often used to protect someone’s feelings from a hurtful truth. “In everyday life, people lie most often about their feelings and opinions,” says Bella DePaulo, a social scientist and author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. Think about when you go to a dinner party and the main course is less than appetizing. If asked for your opinion, chances are you won’t comment on its poor taste; rather, you’ll offer a generic compliment like, “It’s really good” because you don’t want to risk offending your host. This type of lie is told with the best of intentions, so it’s thought of as innocent, with white being the color most associated with innocence and purity.
Another common type of white lie is one told to save time or avoid unnecessary conversation in a social interaction. For example, when an acquaintance or an individual you communicate with briefly asks “How are you?” the usual response is, “I’m fine” or “I’m okay,” even if you had a fight with a friend or a tough day at work. In these situations, it’s easier to lie because explaining the truth would take longer than the short amount of time given to such conversations. Both parties usually understand that the question itself is like an extension of saying hello—asked politely, but with no expectation of receiving a detailed or even accurate response. Therefore, the white lie is integral to maintaining a smooth interaction.
A Fib Here, an Exaggeration There
DePaulo performed a study in Virginia that researched how often people lie throughout the day. She found that college students lied in one third of their conversations, while other members of the community told lies in one out of every five discussions. The study also revealed that people tend to lie more with strangers than anyone else. “The precise numbers might vary from one group to another, but what is likely to be constant is this: lying is ordinary, not extraordinary,” she explains. “Probably everyone lies, and most people lie every day.”
Despite the fact that lying is so easy for us, when it comes to spotting other liars, we’re poor detectors. People accurately pinpoint whether someone is lying just 54 percent of the time, which is only slightly higher than the probability of correctly guessing heads or tails after flipping a coin. One problem is that there aren’t readily detectable, telltale signs to indicate dishonesty. Also, since learning to tell white lies is part of our socialization process, we tell them effortlessly and are less likely to question when others say things that could be a well-intentioned fib (e.g., “I’m fine” or “Dinner was great”).
Can the Truth Hurt More Than Lies?
Though essential to daily social functioning, there are drawbacks to constantly spouting white lies. If you always have nothing but nice things to say about everyone and everything, people will begin to doubt your sincerity. Saying “That looks great!” any time someone asks your opinion about an outfit is kind, but as DePaulo points out, “You will never be the person who others go to when they really do want an honest opinion.” And if you rave about how much you like a certain gift when you don’t, chances are you’ll be getting a variation of that gift for years to come. This happened to a friend of mine who gushed over a particularly tacky owl-shaped pillow—her shelves are now filled with owl paraphernalia.
