My heart is broken. My breathing is labored day and night. My back hurts. It all emanates from the brokenness of my spirit, I guess. This decrepit state of being did not happen overnight. I have been losing pieces of myself for years.
But one day, not long ago, I met a soul. I know that sounds weird, but I believe I met his soul even before I understood who he was as a person. We connected, as they say. We felt compatible instantly, which anyone who has dated can tell you does not happen every day.
After that first meeting, whenever I would see him, I felt what I can only describe as a feeling of wholeness. I felt healed from within. I felt genuine happiness, and I'm not positive, but I think there was a little joy and bliss in there as well.
At first, I started to get better, to feel better, to feel happy on a continuous basis. But then I started feeling sad. I could not give him all he needed. Where I felt filled up, he still needed filling from other sources. I felt, always, like I was not enough, my gravity was not enough to hold him. And this fact began to cause me great pain. Not the same kind of brokenness—a new broken—a post-love broken.
I have lived in a delusional state for most of my life, believing that if I just loved enough that I could make everything right. I think most parents believe that, until their children become teens. I know many lovers feel this way, until a relationship ends. Apparently just loving profoundly is not enough. You have to love in the right time, and in the right place, and you need to be able to adjust, constantly.
I am adjusting. A good friend shared with me a form of meditation that helps you cut the cords of negativity in your life. In an effort to put myself back together, I am cutting the cords I no longer need or want, thereby cutting off the flow of negativity that I receive from other people who wish me ill, or who draw from me in a way I cannot manage. Conversely, I am working on strengthening the cords with those whom I care deeply for, imagining them open and flowing freely with love. Laugh and scoff all you want to—it is working. I am healing at a remarkable rate. I feel strong mentally and physically and my back does not hurt as much as it did. I ran four miles today, effortlessly. I slept last night. I may even eat today.
He left me. I am alone, and I am suffering. But if I am not mistaken, the cord is unbroken. He is suffering too. Maybe I can use my cord to strengthen him. Maybe he will come back to me, if it is meant to be. This is my prayer.
All things are possible with love. This I do believe, as naive as that may sound. One of my favorite quotes is, “Love is letting go of fear.” I am trying very hard not to be afraid and to trust in love. I know that sometimes if we step back, and listen to our hearts, that we can heal and ultimately move forward again.
I want to go forward again. I want to feel whole again. Funny how “cutting” just might help me do that.
