It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. - Dale Carnegie
A few posts ago, I crowned 2007 as the worst year of my adult life thus far. I went so far as to write that I couldn’t think of a single good thing to say about 2007. I’ve been thinking about that ever since I wrote it. There must have been at least one good thing that happened in 2007. In doing so, I have come up with two good things that happened in 2007. Not little things either. BIG things. And in reminding myself of these things I have also proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that money does not buy happiness and attaining your fitness goals does not provide happiness either.
Many people, particularly those of us who grew up in abusive households, spend significant amounts of time looking to the future and telling ourselves, “I’ll be happy if …” This happens when our lives are so painful and we are so powerless that we just can’t wait to grow up and escape. It’s a necessary coping mechanism. It provides hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. The problem is that it doesn’t just go away after we grow up and escape the abuse. By then the thought process that happiness can be attained only if something happens in the future is firmly entrenched in our psyche. We are always looking forward to something that we believe needs to occur before we will feel happy.
Our media perpetuates this thinking. How many advertisements are we bombarded with every day indicating that our lives will be better if we buy some car, drink some beverage, lose weight, make more money, etc.?
I did it myself. If only I could grow up and move out. If only my boyfriend would propose. If only I were married. If only I had kids. If only I could make more money. If only I were thin. If only …
Guess what those two good things were in 2007?
1) I lost a significant amount of weight. I was a size six. I wasn’t supermodel thin but I was as close to perfect (for me) physically as I had ever been in my life. I did enjoy it. I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment. I enjoyed the increased male attention. I enjoyed the fun clothes. I enjoyed feeling attractive and sexy. I even enjoyed the process of working out itself. It made me feel powerful and was an incredible and healthy way to blow off steam, reduce stress, and channel anger and other negative feelings.
2) I also made more money in 2007 than in any previous (or future) year. I’m not talking about buying-a-yacht money. I am talking about extremely comfortable money. We never had to worry about any bills. All emergencies were taken care of easily. Spending money on just about anything we wanted was not an issue. I had a full time babysitter who also cleaned the house and did our laundry every week. I bought designer clothes, purses, and shoes without blinking an eye whenever I wanted. Pedicures, massages, weekend trips … whatever we wanted. It was all good.
So, I had attained my two biggest I’ll Be Happy Ifs. I was not happy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I was completely and utterly miserable. I had extreme insomnia, sometimes sleeping for a total of an hour or two in ten to fifteen minute spurts for months on end. I had an almost constant knot in my stomach. I started crying, and I mean sobbing, for no apparent reason. I was a mess. I couldn’t figure out what my problem was, but I was so close to a complete breakdown that I started to actually think I may be crazy. As in call-the-men-in-white-coats crazy.
