In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. Dr. Sterling was right about that. I loved it because I thought it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my agony. –Elizabeth Wurtzel.
In depression...faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come, not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. –William Styron
I have often used the written word to convey a laugh or smile; however, this story isn’t about the funny side of life. This story is about a darker side of life, a side of existence that many of us struggle with, day by day, without even realizing it. Nearly 19 million people suffer from a major depressive disorder, which are treatable ailments just like headaches, sore throats, or high blood pressure.
Unfortunately, there is a stigma associated with depression, which keeps a number of people from talking with their doctor about the signs of this treatable condition. I wanted to help people see that it is ok to seek assistance. I know it is frightening to face the fact that you need help in coping with life, but you are not weak, weird, or crazy; rather, you simply have a malady, which leaves you at a disadvantage when dealing with certain circumstances. I have a family history of depression, and all of my siblings, except one, along with my mother take one form of anti-depressant or another. I had always fought off the urge to seek a doctor’s advice because, I am very stubborn and I think that I always know what is best, I thought this was who I am and I didn’t want change who I was supposed to be and, I was a little frightened of what might happen if I did seek help.
Recently, I went through a very tough time. A time of loss that each of us find ourselves in now and again; however, this loss was different, and it struck me deeply and aroused a lifetime of pent up hurt and guilt, which I never dealt with; rather, I had always pushed it off to deal with in the future. Well, this time I thought I was strong enough to deal with it all at once and all alone, and that was a horribly arrogant mistake on my part. We all need help, especially when dealing with emotional scars that never healed properly; furthermore, there are appropriate times to deal with those intimate details or our past. To keep a long story short I failed miserably in my attempt to “fix” myself; therefore, out of ideas and wallowing in self pity, I sought out the right sort of help.
I have a good friend who happens to be a psychiatrist, and after speaking to me informally for a while, he advised me to go directly to my PCP (Primary Care Physician) and speak to him about medications; after which, he would help me to find a counselor so I would have someone to help me work through my issues.
I want to tell anyone who might be fighting depression that it is ok to visit with your Doctor. My Physician was very understanding and took a lot of time diagnosing and explaining what was really happening in my brain. While talking to me about the different aspects of depression, as well as the treatments that were available, my eyes began to see the extent of that which I was dealing with.
The signs were obvious once I knew what to look for. For instance, I have a compulsive nature, which often presents itself without consciously being aware of it. Example, I would always have to sit on the right side of a room or theater and if I don’t I will become anxious and unable to focus or concentrate and the computer code I write at work needed to be arranged in a certain order; otherwise, I will feel an almost uncontrollable urge to go back and rewrite the entire application. I had drastic mood shifts. I found it difficult to wake up in the morning, and I was normally tired throughout the day. I had been told that there is always a sad place in me, even when I am happy. I had a very guilty conscience, even for the most insignificant acts; therefore, when I would do something worthy of feeling guilt it was like my life became unhinged and came crashing down. I hated being in crowds, and my anxiety when I was in one was almost palpable, and would only ease after I had sufficiently liquored myself up. My anxiety would even manifest itself while trying to enjoy a cozy dinner with the woman I loved, and trusted completely, making it nearly impossible to relax and enjoy the moment of being with her. I had lived with this my entire life and most people never knew that I suffered from depression; hell, I didn’t even know the extent, which it affected my daily life until I forced myself to step back and take an honest assesment.
