I’ve been looking for a community to at least to tell my story, share my experiences with others, and communicate. I feel lonely being alone in this country, with a wrong partner. I kept dreaming of a life where I have a job, a car to go places, a husband who actually loves, cares, and supports me rather than constantly wanting to control me. A life that I have a little control of how things are. I don’t know when that day’ll come, but I hope soon.
I’m a foreigner here; I came to this country to marry him. He’s not a confident guy, but in general nice. He had a marriage before which lasted about ten years with also a foreign woman, then she left. Then he crashed, he said she was his life. I never knew the real reason, I was told it was complicated. Well, now I understand, it was. The more I’m with him, the more I get to understand why she left saying that she wanted a normal life, and why a life with him isn’t normal and can’t be.
Here I’ll describe our daily life. We don’t work 9-5 Mon-Fri, he has a position in his parents’ small company, so we go to his parents’ place once a week to deal with bills, statements and so on. This year we (I should say he) bought a property that has two houses on it. We are renting one of them to generate an income. So our (I should say his) income is basically enough for our basic life here. The rest of time we just play Facebook games all day long, and have sex as often as he likes, go to swinger parties on the weekends. Supposedly, that’s the life he wants and is happy with, if only I’m happy with it too. Little stress, lots of sex, lots of passion (sexually), possibly from lots of women. Well, I’m not. I don’t like my life being restricted just to sex. I don’t like it being so unbalanced. There’re so many great things in life you could be doing, why only sex? Sex is just part of it and when one part takes over too much of your life, it’s not so enjoyable anymore. Anyway, that’s just my opinion, and I’m having trouble getting it over to him. He wants the life he wants, with a partner who also enjoys the same lifestyle, or he wants to quit this relationship.
Well, maybe you’ll ask, so you guys enjoy different life styles. If you love each other enough, both can compromise a little, share a little, and both have somewhat the life each of you wants. I hope so too. I’ve been hoping things can work out this way between us like that. But I’ve felt more and more recently that this is not going to happen. I’ve felt this life is more based on him wanting to control over me rather than equality.
Before we got married, we signed a pre-nup. It said that basically what was his/mine before marriage stays his/mine, what he/I will inherit in future life stays his/mine, which is fine, and each party’s salary stays separate as well. Not until now that I regretted agreeing to the separate income. I agreed at that point based on the idea that I’m going to get a job on my own in future, I told him that as well. Before we came to this country together, he had been pushing me a lot to give up the idea to work on my own, using all kinds of different excuses: that I didn’t earn as much as he did, that I couldn’t pay for even half of our life expenses, that he wanted me to spend time around him, that he didn’t want me to be away so much, that if I was away from him he’s going to be dating around with other girls since I can’t control what he does if I don’t want to be around him, that he didn’t want even slight chance that I might meet somebody being around other people most of the time and wind up leaving him, that he didn’t want me to become independent enough that I can leave any time as I like, like his ex did eventually. All kinds of excuses. Well, I gave up for a while, based on the idea that we were gonna come to this country for another life, getting married, having kids, etc. and it was true that I was really making precious little compared to him due to I was a new graduate there. And sometimes it did occur to me maybe I do have to choose between love and career, now I know I was so wrong.
And coming to the US only made all issues between us worse, especially the independence side for me.
