Today is a dreary day in February. The air is still cold and a chill lingers about threatening to turn the slightest flurry of snow into a full blown and windy snow squall replete with ice and bone-chilling freeze-ups. No one is walking about, windows are brightly lit and curtains tightly drawn. It is two-layer weather; two sweaters by day and two blankets on the bed at night. Double check the thermostats and pile extra wood into the woodstove.
Too many events that were too devastating to comprehend sent me into a depressive and emotionally distressful state of being that is just too unbearable to comprehend and sustain for any length of time without requiring a tremendous amount of forbearance and strength such as I have never imagined myself to need. There are no friends or family nearby and it is frightening to think that something may happen to my well being that will
not be easily repaired if at all. Sometimes I am afraid I am on the verge of collapse.
There is no cure or quick fix for this. As a matter of fact I feel completely exhausted right now! Are these the precursors to death? Will I give out completely one day, one night, as so many of my cohorts already have?
Each and every day now has become too frightening and I cannot stand to be with myself. Will I begin with more erratic behavior as I grown older? Greater sadness and depression? It is no coincidence that as I grow sadder and older, the people around me are also. Conversations are not happy ones.
I never thought “old age” would be like this; premature and debilitating. Worn out before one’s time! What is a normal life span? This gripping fear and debilitating upheaval is creating an entirely new reality for me that is not welcomed. The co-creators of this ugliness of misuse and neglect are stumbling blocks to any happinesss I would have in my waning years. They will run to and fro and I will not bear their complaints!
