The last few weeks have left me with a bitter sense of myself at work. My husband has been my only outlet to vent because I don’t let my feelings or emotions show how I’m really feeling to the outside world and end up isolating myself from friends and co-workers. Then I get mad because no one seems to include me in their plans. (This is going somewhere believe me ... )
I put to much thought and over think things (real or not) based on what I see or believe (maybe its borderline schizophrenia). These feelings get carried around like a ton of bricks and I make up reasons why it’s right to feel this way.
My husband helped me put things in perspective and made me realize it was all in my head. Last year was a busy year for me at work, we converted systems and I ended up playing an intricate role setting up the system. I ended up getting so involved that I asked to be relieved of my regular duties. I was feeling over extended and got overwhelmed. I was in over my head and didn’t know how to ask for proper help. I saw this as weakness and believed I was failing. I wanted out.
This feeling of failing affected me greatly. I became depressed, withdrawn, obsessive, and emotional. I felt alone and was too scared to tell anyone. So I got this great idea that by getting reassigned the problems would go away. I could shine again. Well I got what I asked for and it was exciting at first.
The problem is that the person who took over my position was more resourceful than I and asked for help. Yes, I’m bitter. Now they’ve made a whole department out of what I did alone. It hurts. I’m no longer included in important meetings. Decisions are made without my input. Others are getting promoted and recognized. I’m just ranting right now—it’ll be the last time (I promise). But all that doesn’t matter anymore. I saw the evil growing inside my head and it was not healthy. Plus in this economy being a psycho is not an option.
Anyways what I finally realized was that I’ve been carrying my work on my back for the last six months and it’s created a ball of tension. It’s gotten so painful it hurts to lift my arm. Enough is enough. I’m getting over myself. This was just on Thursday. Releasing all that built up after I cried, cursed, and took some deep breaths plus stretching and a massage from my hubby helped be pain free on Friday. If felt great. I actually walked around and talked to people about things other than work.
I’m looking forward to getting myself back. It felt bad being alone with all those negative thoughts. I felt it was important to share this and I hope it makes sense without going into a lot of detail. Hopefully you can learn from my experience. Good luck and God bless.
