My birthday came and went, but this one felt different. I had, for starters, never imagined that I would be crossing this threshold so shy of my expectations of what my life was to be like at this serious-sounding age. I ricocheted between anger and denial, still holding a dim birthday-candle-sized hope that we would land the cracker company and there would be just enough crumbs left over for me to justify my salary. But frankly, I was unnerved by an email from Belle that arrived just before the pink cake. My boss was asking me how many billable hours she could count on me for this week (and the answer was none).
After the office party, she apologized for being distracted, confessing that if the agency didn’t land the cracker account, she’d been told that “a price would have to be paid.” Was that price me? She didn’t say and I didn’t dare ask. The question lingered, however, for after the cake, I caught a glimpse of her heading up to the general manager’s office. As the door slammed shut, I remembered Joan’s session on surrender. Now was my moment to find out what I was really made of. Was I the kind of person who became a victim of circumstances or the kind who had it in her to thrive, regardless of what came her way?
I knew what I wanted. I hoped to take my cue from Jacob, son of Isaac, who found his answer on the banks of the Jabbok River. In the story from the Hebrew Scriptures, Jacob had reached midlife, having devoted a lifetime to winning God’s favor, but his efforts were flawed. He cheated his brother Esau of his birthright, then left home to make his fortune, thinking material comfort would bring him the blessing he sought. But when midlife came, he began to long for the one thing all his clever manipulations failed to bring him: reconciliation.
He set out for his childhood home, willing to do whatever it took to rectify his past. Jacob knew what he wanted and he was going for it, but along the way, on the banks of the Jabbok River, he was met by an agent of God who engaged him in a life-or-death struggle. All night long, Jacob wrestled the angel on the river bank. In the heat of the battle, Jacob’s hip was seriously injured. But when morning dawned, Jacob finally received what he’d sought all his life: God’s blessing (Genesis 32.22–32).
Jacob learned that it is the willingness to engage in the struggle for what really matters that merits God’s intervention—not how deserving we think we are, nor whether we manage to emerge unwounded. Only when one answers the summons to rise to the occasion, putting everything on the line, do we even have the chance of encountering the essence of the divine. This is the source of raw creativity out of which new possibilities arise.
Out of depths unknown, a thought spontaneously occurred to me. The time had come to begin quietly looking for another job.
Chapter 13 from The Year I Saved My (downsized) Soul by Carol Orsborn
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