My husband and my 9 year old son, Tom and Austin, were taken in a house fire July 25, 2004.
I am still having a really hard time dealing with the pain and “what ifs”. I sometimes think I am going to go crazy if I don’t hurry up and die so I can see them again. But I have two more sons and I am all they have left. And then I feel guilty for that thought. My husband’s death is a little easier to deal with, not because I don’t love him, but he died trying to save our son. He was a good man before the fire and the love of my life. He is now my HERO for trying so hard to get to our baby boy. I can understand his death, Austins’ I can’t for the life of me figure out.
Why my family? I see so many parents who don’t care about their kids and let them get into dangerous situations and I ashamedly think “why not yours instead of mine?”
I can’t explain how much I miss them. My other boys are what keep me going. If I just gave up, that would be selfish and I can’t do that to my boys.
Things like this make you question your psyche, your ability to survive this inexplicable pain, and, for me faith. I have always been a Christian but this made me very angry at God. I still am. This is another aspect of such a devastating loss. You question everything in life after these things happen. But I also know that I have to be strong enough to keep on living.
I am not the only one who lost half of my family on that night. Nine years were not nearly enough time with my little boy. I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!! Maybe this testimonial will give pause to someone who is having a hard time with their loss. I hope and even still pray that I will get to see them again and may whomever you have lost be waiting excitedly for you too. God Bless.
