When a person you care about is hurting, you hurt, too. When that person is grieving the loss of a loved one, there are some steps you can take to ease his or her journey as they go through the bereavement process. As an experienced grief counselor, I know you can actually help them feel better. Here are ten tips to help people who are grieving.
1. Stay in Contact with the Bereaved
Talk with your bereaved friend or relative—even if you are uncomfortable doing so. Remember that they are feeling far more pain and discomfort than you. Be present the first few days, and later call or email regularly to say that you are thinking of them and would like to be useful.
2. Offer to Drive
The bereaved will have many immediate chores to do—at a bank, a funeral home, or an attorney’s office. Grief may slow them down and make it hard for them to take care of the myriad details after a death. They may need your help while doing these tasks, but if not then simply wait in the car.
3. Bring Comfort Food
After the initial week or two, most family members will have resumed their usual schedules and are no longer available to literally cater to the bereaved. If the person says that they don’t want anything, then bring over soup and ice cream. Those are good for a person in mourning because they contain enough calories to maintain nutrition yet require no biting and chewing. It is sometimes difficult to chew or swallow when deeply in mourning.
4. Help Out with Paperwork
Help your grieving friend or relative create an ongoing memorial for their loved one on the internet. Putting feelings into words and pictures can be a healing endeavor. Friends and family can post their prayers and memories as well. There are a number of internet memorial sites to join, some free, some charging an annual fee. Members of Beliefnet can post a free memorial. Click here to create a Beliefnet memorial.
5. Be a Good Listener
There are many forms that need to be filled out after a death, and the bereaved may not have the patience. You can ease the job by doing it with the person at your side responding to your questions. You could also help address envelopes of thanks for condolence notes.
6. Post an Internet Memorial
Most survivors, after a few weeks, need to talk about the circumstances of the death of their loved one. It helps them process the traumatic event and absorb the reality. If it feels right, ask about the day of the death. All you need to do is listen.
7. Create a Keepsake
Encourage the bereaved to create something tangible, something they can look at or carry around, that reminds them of their loved one. Suggest they make some personal jewelry from the deceased’s jewelry, or perhaps help them create a collage of photos. Choose some photos to fit into their wallet.
8. Consider a Pet
After some time has passed, see if the bereaved person would consider getting a pet. Offer to go along to buy or adopt one. If the person is now alone in the house, for instance, a dog could provide love and companionship—and a reason to get up and out in the morning.
9. Help Them Reach Out
Offer assistance in finding a bereavement group. Beyond that, help your friend or loved one to expand their social network by finding course offerings at the local community college, library, or house of worship. There are always activities that welcome new members. Suggest particular courses that might interest them, and if necessary go with them to the first class.
10. Look to the Future
After many months, the bereaved will need help in planning for the future. Bring over information about possible trips, vacations, cruises, and special events. Having something to look forward to prevents constantly looking back.
