One of the most widely practiced holiday rituals is the gathering together of family. People all over the country will travel short and long distances to be with family members this holiday season. Whether it’s out of obligation or a genuine desire to spend time together, family members typically congregate at this time of year. For some, it’s an opportunity to enjoy relaxed time with loved ones, but for many, the family get together is a time of anxiety and tension.
As a family counselor, I am well aware of the stress that the holidays and family gatherings often bring. Many people find it beneficial to meet with a counselor to prepare for spending time with family over the holidays and also to debrief after the typical family dynamics have once again played themselves out during the visit. If you’re among those who struggle to enjoy time with your family, or even if you just want this year to be better than it has been in the past, you’re not alone. We could all benefit from thinking about how we can better survive our holiday family gathering.
If gathering can be so difficult, why do we even have this tradition? There are some practical reasons for it. For example, most people get at least some time off during the holidays, which makes traveling to see family members easier. But many of us spend time with family every year simply because it’s expected of us. It just isn’t worth the tension that it would cause to not be there for the holidays.
In addition to the more practical side of this ritual, there is also spiritual significance to these gatherings. We are designed to be in a relationship with God and with others. It is in and through these relationships that we learn about who God is and who we are. God created us to be in community and our family is one of our primary communities. We gather with family over the holidays to make meaning together and to preserve the traditions of past generations. Spending time with family over the holidays gives us a sense of connectedness.
Our time with our family, regardless of how stressful it is, can give us the opportunity for spiritual reflection. Too often we busy ourselves with all the tasks that come with the holidays: preparing meals, shopping for gifts, and dressing for parties. As a result, we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to think about the meaning that is behind this season. However, if we are able to reframe our family gatherings as an opportunity for spiritual growth and reflection, then we’ll be able to make our holidays more meaningful and fulfilling.
Loving our family members can help us become more dependent on God. Instead of being annoyed by the behavior of our family, we can see our time with family as an opportunity to practice being more loving, patient, gentle, and kind. If we’re focused on relating to our family in a way that would reflect God’s love, we will invariably be more dependent on God. We should reflect on how we can be more loving instead of focusing on the ways in which others are not doing so. As we try to live out these virtues in the stress of family time, we will realize how much we need God’s help to do so.
Relationships with in-laws can sometimes be the most difficult, but they’re also an opportunity for spiritual growth. Intentionally focusing on the good that we see in our in-laws can enable us to be less bothered by the things that we don’t like about them. Every person has some good in them because we’ve each been created by God in the image of God. It may be harder for us to see these things in some people, but it’s always there. This year, try really searching for what it is that you like about your family members and you’re bound to have a more positive experience. Growth will come if we can be less focused on finding fault in our family members and more focused on how God sees them.
