The whirring of the fan should have comforted me. I’ve had many children who were hypnotized into a peaceful sleep by that constant white noise. But for me, on this night, that buzzing mass of fan blades joined the assemblage of thoughts and doubts that were ricocheting around in my head … bouncing off of each other here and banging into each there, making a total mess of the tranquility that I was so desperately seeking.
How are we going to pay the mortgage this month? It’s due when? And we have how much money in the account right now?
What about my son’s doctor’s visit? We can’t keep putting that off.
The trip to St. Louis is coming up soon: traveling expenses, spending money, some new clothes for the trip.
Oh, and not to mention that we’ll need to be buying curriculum soon. With five kids to officially homeschool this year, that’s gonna cost a pretty penny!
This one needs new shoes and this one could use a new pair of pants for church.
Then there’s my husband’s dental surgery that he’s put off twice because some other need ate the money we had set aside to pay for it.
Don’t even mention my chronic back pain that would be easily relieved with a few trips to the chiropractor.
And, of course, it’s time to go grocery shopping—AGAIN!
My God, I feel like I’m losing my mind!
Now this is the part where a mature Christian would say that the Holy Spirit reminded them of a few choice Scriptures, and they were immediately flooded with a peace that passes all understanding. You know, power-hitters like:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
And perhaps the biggest one of them all from Jesus Himself:
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34
But, the truth of the tale is that I didn’t.
No Scriptures,
No peace,
No thunderous voice from heaven,
No still, small voice in my heart.
I was only hearing the incessant whizzing of the ever-evolving needs and concerns that are bombarding my life right now, a total blitzkrieg of circumstances beyond my control. Slumber did eventually provide a form of escape, a false and fitful one, but a temporary respite from the mental battle.
When the reality of the new day flooded my eyes, I was very cognizant of the fact that there were circumstances that were still unchanged, needs that were still unmet, and questions that remain unanswered. I don’t know how, when, or if any of that will change, but I do know that God will give me the grace, provision and strength for today. I can trust Him with that. After all, isn’t that what faith is … trusting Him for what we cannot see?
