Today the Good Father said some good things—he has since he’s arrived. But I really liked them today because I think the Holy Spirit had something to say to me. And as much as I don’t want to admit it, He has a much better idea of His will for me than I do.
The Good Father talked about what happens when we take our eyes off God. I understood that if I take my eyes off God, then they must be looking somewhere else. And when I am looking somewhere else, my thoughts will follow.
The disciples couldn’t see the Son of God, felt abandoned, and became frightened. Peter turned his focus onto the rough waters, lost sight of Jesus, and became frightened. We all have our moments of rough waters. Even Mother Teresa. Her rough moments were made public knowledge. I believe we all have moments of doubt and feelings of abandonment. God was always there - for the disciples, Mother Teresa, and now us. The Good Father made it so vivid that He never stops seeking us, wanting us to draw closer to Him.
I was not always Christian in my beliefs. Too many times I didn’t know what to believe. But once He met me where I was, I cannot undo my belief. There was a “short” honeymoon period where I felt undeniably blessed. And then some unremembered circumstance in my life caused me to turn my eyes away. Here and there throughout the years, I have turned to others or myself for answers to my little human problems, not thinking they were just as important to give over to God. I will be in a rush to handle something I think cannot wait sixty seconds to turn over with prayer. And then the demons rush in. That is when pride, anger, lust, greed tend to show up to take the place of whatever I should have turned over to Him.
Just last week, someone attempted to entice me into their drama. Drama which feeds on gossip and malice. But I kept my eyes on God and made it through. In earlier, difficult times I would have given myself over and agreed. It took a few minutes but I eventually gave my burden over to Him and felt better and more clear-sighted. Because I focused on God’s saving grace, I could see the demons trying to lure me back into the web of negativity. With His strength I resisted. It was a small victory in some ways but much, much larger in others.
Since I began my journey to becoming an ordained deacon, I have been sporadically questioning how this will all work out. I even doubt that my ministry is “good enough” to be called a ministry. I do not feel worthy enough at times. But that’s crazy thinking. The apostles were ordinary men. Saints weren’t saints all their lives. And God enjoys in turning our preconceived notions upside down - He makes the weak strong and raises up the lowly. He appeared to us in the form of a man.
The Good Father, when he spoke of Mother Teresa, told an anecdote about a priest who had received spiritual direction from her. The priest had asked her to pray for clarity in his calling. Mother Teresa admitted that she had not had clarity either but would pray God to grant this priest trust. An astute, courageous woman who herself had suffered from a lack of clarity and moments of darkness in her own life.
I have a sign on my wall that has a quote attributed to Mother Teresa. It is for my darker moments. It relates that God did not call me to be successful but to be faithful. Knowing that I am no one’s savior and that I am not responsible for my clients’ future success in life, I remind myself their lives are in God’s grace. I give thanks to Him for those who never come back into my office because they are making better choices, even if it’s just because they matured.
