So, you’ve made your list of the top ten things you’re looking for in your perfect mate and you’ve even revised it a couple of times. The list might include things such as a great personality, good sense of humor, a promising career, physical attractiveness, a healthy family background, and a fun group of friends. You might prioritize intelligence, spontaneity, self-confidence, or ambition.
Although you seem to know just what you’re looking for, still no luck. Every time you think you meet someone that shows potential, you find yourself sadly disappointed. You feel as if you’ve exhausted your options and are destined to just wait and wait, or settle for a less-than-perfect match.
I wonder how many women put spiritual compatibility at the top of their list of things that they’re looking for in a partner? How many have it on their list of top ten at all? This question points to the issues of who we are and what marriage is all about.
Spiritual issues are at the core of each of us, whether we like it or not. Even if we’re passionate about opposing religious practices, each one of us still believes in something. You might be surprised, if you really stopped to think about it, how much of every aspect of your life is touched by who you are as a spiritual being.
For example, how you spend your free time on the weekends is impacted by your convictions. Do you love to be outside because you feel most at peace in nature? Are you dedicated to volunteering with your free time? Would you prefer to take a long walk as you discuss important personal or political issues? Think of your spiritual self as the core of who you really are. What are you passionate about? What motivates you? What are you living for?
Your spiritual self is like a lens through which you see the world. Your lens might cause certain things to look certain ways, while someone else’s lens can cause them to see the same thing in an entirely different way. This lens can influence how you experience other people, how you see yourself, and how you find meaning in life.
Marriage is about sharing life together—being teammates, partners, best friends. Your spouse is your life mate and if you’re focused on heading in different directions, this can put a strain on the relationship. But if you’re committed to living for the same things, a solid foundation for a lifelong partnership can be laid. A partner is someone with whom you share life. You do things together. You are there for one another. You might both have different ways of going about the small things, but if your purpose is the same (if you are viewing the world through a similar lens), you can work together on the big things.
A lack of shared purpose is one reason why spiritual differences often come to a head in parenting. If there is not a spiritual compatibility in parenting, making decisions about the day-to-day issues that arise can be much more difficult. But if you’re both parenting out of that same set of core values, it can be easier to work together toward your shared end goal.
Practically speaking, being spiritually compatible will make more aspects of your life together line up than you might think. There are benefits such as being able to worship together (for example, it’s nice to have someone kick you out of bed on the Sunday mornings when you don’t feel like getting up) or being able to establish shared family customs such as celebrating holidays together. Family rituals are one important way that we make meaning in our lives—that we clarify our lens and strengthen togetherness. For those who feel most spiritually enriched when you serve in the community or spend time in nature, having your spouse also be most connected through these types of activities provides a foundation for your life together.
Money is one of the things that couples most often fight about. Having a similar spiritual perspective can help a couple share priorities about how and when money should be spent. When you’re both functioning out of the same core values, the details of life, such as how money is spent, more easily fall into place.
Spiritual compatibility does not necessarily mean, however, that you share all of the exact same beliefs. It’s more about complimenting one another, completing one another, challenging one another. Your differences will help each other grow. You will fill your strengths into their weaknesses and vice versa. You will challenge one another to look at things differently. Being on the same page doesn’t mean being exactly the same, it just means that you’re two individuals who are working out of the same core values.
There have certainly been marriages between two people who were on the same page spiritually that have failed and there have been marriages between two people that have had very different spiritual perspectives that have resulted in a lifelong, loving relationship. But spiritual compatibility is worth prioritizing, because as spiritual beings, having a shared purpose can connect us at the deepest part of who we are.
Some people will say that they don’t believe in God, so this issue doesn’t apply to them.
