I came out of the womb under the umbrella of expectation. This premise has led me to always look ahead toward the goal, the carrot, the safe haven of <you name it>. Parents, society, friends, even Hollywood, reinforced this way of thinking: get good grades, behave “well,” get into college, get a good job, get married, have babies, have wealth and security.
Spiritually, I was raised Catholic and therefore taught a lot about what not to do—how certain actions would result in certain outcomes that are unsafe, unacceptable, unloved, unwanted. Growing up at church, I felt less spiritual and more constricted, controlled, regimented, cold, and hungry. When I did feel comfortable in mass, it was merely from the unrealized ceremony, repeated through years of family tradition. Little did I ever hear what I was reciting or confirming or think about the words in the songs I was singing.
At this point in my life, things have changed unexpectedly. People have behaved in a way I would not have anticipated. Life has taken me from my home in Texas to places around the world that were safe and unsafe at intervals I could not have effectively predicted. These experiences introduced a new spirituality, one that exposes almost the opposite of what I got out of my religion at a young age.
A good deal of my current inspiration is borne out of Buddhism. I am certainly no expert or scholar on the topic. However, it has impacted me profoundly and, in a way I continue to appreciate each day, I put simple aspects into practice. I fell into it through yoga, a practice I found really complemented my future-oriented, anxious, achievement-disposed, measured-by-expectation self. I started to relax my mind and focus on my breathing. I started to listen to my body before, during, and after my classes. My teachers incorporated quips and quotes and readings in classes that made me want to reach out and find more of this inspiration. So, I bought a few books.
One of those books sits on my mantel and I read a quote from it every day. Some of them really hit home, some of them sail over my head, but there is something meaningful in turning the page and taking in what is often a real piece of wisdom that truly affects my thoughts and behavior, that inspires me to act in a way that feels true to my inner nature.
Some common themes emerge:
Live in the moment. Pause before you speak. Realize your words are fleeting. Eat slowly. Recognize when fear takes over. Realize fear is a self-induced trick of the mind. Anger, jealousy, and unhappiness are tragedies of the mind. Our human state is peaceful. Our own thoughts, words, and actions can either pollute this state or celebrate it. Our future is the one we are in right now. Treat all living creatures with loving kindness as we are on the journey together and none of us is truly alone. We share the energy we create.
These ideas are very deep and some days very opposed to my disposition and mood. When I am inattentive to my “gut” or “inner self” as it is commonly referred to, the world can quickly slip in and wrap its cloak around my day. I compare myself to others, react with words I don’t mean, eat quickly and hastily, fail to see the good in the process, and move full speed toward an unrealized future. I focus ahead one month, two months, even three years, measuring progress toward goals that seem planted in my mind. And then I realize I feel scared, alone, anxious, and judged. And then I open my book.
There is a quote that states that if you knew you would be blind by the end of the day, you would spend more time noticing the little things around you. There was another about happiness and how it comes from your own inner growth, maturity, self-definition, and perception. The days I absorb these thoughts, I find it easier to breathe, to live, to get excited about my day. I find that I am not thinking about my biological clock, or whether I will die of cancer before I <name important goal>. Instead, I feel a sense of peace and reality. I find myself migrating toward people who don’t expect me to be anything other than who I am.
My internal system is so hard-wired it can be invisible. Now, as I hear my mind say something, I try to more actively take the time to think about what it is or why I say it, and consider if I really feel that way. I am slowly unraveling the things that are programmed in me and replacing them with my individual beliefs. My true thoughts feel more in line with human nature, more forgiving, more natural. I believe Buddhism has helped me find that part of myself.
I understand now why some call spirituality a practice. It takes effort to listen and engage. It takes patience to stop before you eat, think, react, speak, or move. It takes time to go to yoga, even longer to discover its benefits, and a lifetime to realize you never truly master it. I know I will always have to seek out this influence, this spiritual guide. I know the easier way is to live according to the rules our society dictates. It’s harder to take responsibility for your own happiness and let go of expectation and live in the moment. In fact, committing to living this way is one of the hardest things I will ever do.
Inspiring Books:
Offerings: Buddhism Wisdom for Every Day(Offerings for Humanity)
Danielle and Olivier Follmi
Anger
Thich Nhat Hanh
