I am twenty, and I know that seems young to some of you, but somehow, God has found a way to work more miracles in my life than I could ever imagine. And the biggest one is that I am here and sharing my story. I have anorexia nervosa. I have battled this disease for the last 5 years since the age of fifteen. And despite popular belief, it has nothing to do with being thin. It has everything to do with hiding from God. Everything that my eating disorder has done to my life has been nothing short from denying that God even exists.
I withdrew from life. I knew everyone and they all knew the Lindsey I wanted them to know, but no one knew me. I was straight-A student, top of my class in high school, talented in theatre, and most importantly “the ballerina.” My entire life was ballet and I received an unheard of amount of attention for it. I was perfect, right? So who was I to tell everyone that I wasn’t perfect?
I knew I had an eating disorder, but that was a sign of weakness in my eyes and the thought of admitting it aloud was unbearable. It was something to be ashamed of and there was no way God would ever accept me. I was not suffering from the average “I am unworthy.” I was suffering from the “I am powerlessly allowing my anorexia to desecrate the body God gave me beyond understanding, and I am an innately bad person unworthy of anything, much less God’s love and acceptance.”
I was in the throes of severe depression and suffering from suicidal thoughts when I hit rock bottom. And all I can remember thinking is how little worth I had; that my life meant nothing to anyone. In fact, I was only a burden. And if there was a God, which I seriously doubted, how could he possibly let anyone live such a miserable life. I was exhausted, confused, scared, and in a hole so deep that I couldn’t even see the opening any longer. There was no end in sight and no purpose for such suffering as far as I could see.
And then I entered a psychiatric hospital and was placed in the eating disorder unit, and slowly, one day at a time, I began to see hope. It took a long time, but within weeks of hard work, God was visible again. He really did exist. I’m not going to stand here and tell you it’s easy to have faith. Because it’s not. I had to battle the eating disorder in my head. I’ve had to battle myself everyday for the last three months to keep God in sight.
But I am alive today. And I count that as a miracle. I would not be if God was not standing beside me in my moments of terror. And I know what life is now. I had been hiding from life out of fear for so long that I had no idea what true joy was. Without the eating disorder and depression ruling my life, I have a life. But I would not know the true joy of it without my battles. I count that as another miracle. One of the causes of and results of my illness was an inability to create deep relationships with anyone. This was a skill I had to learn in treatment. And so God taught me how to be real. He gave me the ability to empathize and connect to people at a deeper level than I ever imagined possible. This is a third miracle. Everyday that I wake up to face another day of battling my eating disorder, I also wake up to another beautiful day in the life of God.
