This article is dedicated to my mother, Katherine Leona Brown Oglevie.
God knows I was not the perfect mom. I went through a lot of errors, mistakes, and trials with my three girls. However, honestly it was the path I chose, not one God had originally set me. I often wondered for a long time what if I could take it all back, what would I do differently. And, for years I beat myself up over the upsets in the family that my actions caused. I mean these actions of mine went right on down to those three, then innocent children. What could I have been thinking, actually I wasn’t thinking. I did not have a manual to guide me so I thought at the time.
My girls are grown now and two of them have children, so I do have five grandkids. Three girls and two boys and I adore them. But, the girls I never see them or if I do it just doesn’t feel right. I always wondered, why could I have not been that “other” mom? Don’t get me wrong. I raised them single, alone, and with no such thing as child support. I gave them everything they desired and they never knew if we had money or not. I managed to work two or three jobs, provide a home, and they always had those jeans they wanted or those shoes along with dance, music lessons. And always new dresses for Easter and Christmas.
Not too long ago, my oldest daughter made it very clear to me by saying she would never raise her kids the way I did them. What a statement for a mom to hear. So, I begin to look deeper into what a mom should be like, where would I find the role model and my much needed answers to heal their wounds?
Now, looking back I think he made us “mothers” to our children so we could also learn from their ways. It is not so easy to rear up a child in today’s society or ever two or three of them. And, do it alone. I can’t imagine if I had had the ten I wanted as a small child. I think now God has shown me that he wants us to live though our children and their children so we can regain some type of innocence about our own part in this world.
I found my answers. There was a book. It was called, “The Holy Bible.”
Somewhere, someplace, I removed myself out of the church and into the mainstream and hustle and the bustle of life leaving God at the altar. At fifty-one, I took one good look at myself and I did not like what I was seeing. Please let me set this straight. I was a good mom, could I have done some things differently, most definitely. And, then I recall how I treated my mom. Oh, my. What I had done was coming back to haunt me. Years without a Mother’s Day, them choosing Daddy’s home over mine, yes, I did these things and more to my mother.
I read a book about “strongholds” and day by day begin to change this life of mine so that, if not for my grown children at least for the grandkids and generations to come, it would be different. I did not want anymore of this nonsense. I did not want anymore crying about my kids not coming over on “Mother’s Day.” I just wanted to put it away, but instead I had to conquer my mountain. As for me to sit here and cry over split milk one day longer I just couldn’t see it happening.
So, slowly I began to realize what I did to my mother and how it had come down to my generation and my grown daughters. I began to pray and read my bible. I read about Ruth and how she lost everything but her two daughters-in-law were wonderful to her. I wanted that and I am sure my mom did want the same as well. She once told me I often wondered what you were thinking at times. I was not thinking. I did not know that one day I would be walking in those same shoes.
I grew up and realized no one can replace your Mom. And, if I had just taken the time to listen, all may have been different. I can’t go back now but I can change things for future generations. Breaking strongholds that we have had in our family and getting up the courage not to give excuses any longer. Writing that long lost letter to my mom, calling her, and for once “listening.”
All I know now is I am happy, a great grandmother, and I have a wonderful mother whom I do listen to her every word. Maybe one day my girls will forgive me and all will be good.
So, God did not make me, Pam, a perfect mother but he did something better he gave me a perfect Mom. One who is kind and considerate and had to tolerate me. For this I love and thank you. Your name should be written for others in our generations to know how wonderful of a person you are.
I hope if you are a mom and can’t find the handbook that you will heed my words, go get a bible and pray, it will all fall into place.
Thanks, Mama.
