This is my sixth holiday season without my husband at my side. His death in the spring of 2005 still rocks my still-recovering world, especially during the holiday season. I can still replay our last Christmas together in my head. A new baby, our lovely six-year-old son, and death looming over our heads … Dave’s diagnosis of stage four pancreatic cancer had only come a few short months before, in October. We were still in shock, and still trying to comprehend. We were surrounded with support of our family, friends, and faith community. There was light in the darkness, and there was hope through our despair.
Advent has a way of pulling at me. Darkness—such deep, seasonal darkness, forces me to reflect on the darkness and despair I have walked through in the past few years. It also has such a strong force, which makes me look at the light. The light always returns—how is that? Every fall, we walk into growing darkness, and after sitting in the darkness for what seems like a lifetime, we are greeted by growing light and warmth. We all walk in despair and darkness at some point in our lives. Advent gives us a moment to look at our growth, or possibly lack of growth, through these moments. It is this great moment where we are invited to quiet ourselves, and look at our darkest moments with the light of hope growing, and inviting us into warmth, growth, and love.
This Advent, I can certainly see my family’s growth in this time of tragedy. My children are still growing, of course. We have chosen to find joy in our lives again. It is definitely a conscious choice—time does not always heal your wounds. Holidays find so many of us blue and despairing, especially when times are tragic. But Advent reminds us that the light can grow.
The seasons remind us that the light and warmth will grow with or without our consent. Our God has built a cycle of hope in this system, to guide us through times of despair. It will always happen—God never gives up. Sometimes our loving God is just sitting in the darkness with us, still and present, while building the light around us. Our Advent always culminates with the light coming into our world. It is the gift that keeps on giving, even when we feel weak and hopeless—the light will build. When we choose to turn toward the light, we open up a new time of love and growth that we may have never expected.
