I was up most of the night, tossing and turning, not able to sleep. It was one night of many that I have had lately, thinking about how my life can change and has changed through the love, grace, and mercy of God. The path that has been put before me, which would mean that I would get to help someone else overcome the things that I have endured since the day of my birth, the thought always makes me smile inside, but as I type these words my eyes well up with tears, from the pain so long ago, yet so very very near to my heart even still. My own way to deal with my pain was always to help someone else; it always took the focus off my own reality that I didn’t seem to have any control over, which included parental, abandonment, and emotional rejection. I became an emotional, overly sensitive child to everything and everyone around me, which sadly left me vulnerable to childhood sexual abuse. Abuse put upon children is something very dear to my heart, because it affects the adult you become. I affected the adult I became.
As a result I suffered with addiction to drugs and I was an emotional eater that has left me battling with my weight for many years. It took away me ever learning about the value of my body and it also caused bad decision-making in my life. I became very much filled with fear and very impulsive, trusting the wrong things and people, but through it all my heart stayed soft and open...God was right there, right beside me guiding quietly with a very small voice that I could always hear, even through much confusion and many tearful moments alone. As my relationship has grown stronger and stronger with God, his voice has become louder and clearer every day. I am no longer captive to the abuse and fears that caused so much damage in my life. I’m free from the things that can so easily beset us. I have a peace and contentment that I have never experienced before in my life, and now I lay in my bed at night, with the knowledge of God giving me my purpose and assignment to write about my life and pain to help someone else going through their own pain. Through it all, the love and heart of God was very real deep down inside of me, so my fear is to open up all the details of my life to the world and somehow stay so very humble, with my life and carry the burden of someone else’s pain. My mission is to teach the love and the heart of God to the world. My only fear now is that I can keep my time alone with God as I share myself with the world, as he can receive the glory he so richly deserves.
